Surrender. A Shift in Perception. Acceptance and Leading my Inner Child out of the Dark…

I have been through a deep inner change during the past week, one I have not experienced before. The shift came into my awareness in a subtle way but I had a strong ‘knowing’ that this is the change I had been waiting for, it’s hard to explain but I can feel the change inside of me. I have been going through an intense transformation over the past seven months since moving into this house and understand that I must release the expectations, disappointments and feelings of sadness and betrayal from my past. Through dreams, Archetypal work and teaching I have been shown what needs to go and what needs to stay, there’s a lot that needs to go! It is time to embrace acceptance, to stop pushing up against the things I cannot change. It is easy to slip into negative feelings and allow the inner critic to take over and tell me all sorts of lies but I will not allow that to happen. That voice has no power over me!

I have no choice but to surrender, there is nothing else to do, nothing. My wounded child does not like this as she has held tightly to the pain that has been her anchor for the longest time. She wants to lash out, to blame others for the way she feels and to make them hurt as she does so I must comfort her and help her to understand that it’s time for her to grow, to catch up with me and trust me enough to guide her through the rest of her journey. She has spent so much time in the dark, fearful of being found out for who she truly is, an imposter. Too afraid to show her vulnerability, to show her true self as people may not like her. People may not want to be her friend or they will just take what they need from her and leave her behind, sad and empty, again.  I must lead her into my heart and allow her to rest there and feel the love I have for her. To help her to be more resilient and most importantly, to know she is safe.

This journey of healing is an arduous one, just when I think I’m over the line something else pops up. As one part of my past is dealt with another is waiting in the wings to be picked through, processed and put to rest. It has been very intense for three years and I’m so tired, emotionally and physically. I haven’t had much respite at all but I am finally able to see my progress, my bloody brilliant progress. This has smoothed my rough edges and softened me and enabled me to be a caring and compassionate reader and teacher. I love the work that I do and understand my healing is not only for myself but also for all who come into contact with me.

This humbles my heart ❤️

 

 

 

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Ascension. Dreams & Trusting the Process…

  • The ascension symptoms I was experiencing earlier this year have returned after a 6 week break, I thought I was done with them but no. Again I’m having trouble getting up in the morning & I’m receiving downloads at night. I’m feeling heavy & exhausted. Throw in the full moon & the Moon/Pluto opposition & it’s all happening. I’m going through another deep healing process & am having very vivid dreams of many people from my past. I’m dreaming about people from my 20’s & 30’s all mixed together, it’s weird. Add a few ex boyfriends & ugh.

    This morning I had a dream where I was in a very deep & wide bath, the water was murky with bubbles on top. I was laying on the right hand side of the tub & different friends from the past that I no longer have contact with & ex boyfriends stepped into the left side of the bath, sat down, spoke to me then got out on the same side & walked away. I remember feeling perplexed in the dream & worrying about how dirty the water was becoming with all these people stepping into MY bath!

    When they had finished I got out of the right side of the bath & walked to the ocean, I stood on the shore & looked across the water to where there was the wing of a plane sitting on top of the waves. I walked into the waves & could see the rest of the plane under the water. I swam out to it & sat on the wing. As I turned to my right side the was an older Asian woman passing me a blonde haired baby boy. She kept telling me to take the child, pushing him towards me. I could see him very clearly, fair hair & blue eyes.

    I took him from her arms & looked at him, he had the face of an angel. When I looked up at the woman she said to me numerous times ‘he is 21 months, 21 months, 21 months’.

    Then I woke up…

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Tarotscopes June 2017

These Tarotsopes are based on your Sun Sign but be sure to read your Moon & Ascendant sign as well!

Aries ♈️June will be a busy month for the first sign of the zodiac. You may find yourself juggling a lot of things, particularly finances. Be sure to keep your eye on where your money is going as it may just slip through your fingers. There will also be issues around family that you will need to pay attention to, you may have to support them emotionally with a problem they are dealing with. Be compassionate & be a good listener, it will make all the difference to them. Your energy will be good so you will be able to deal with whatever happens.

 

Taurus ♉️

For the Bull it’s important to not rush into things this month. You’re used to taking it slowly so be sure to do just that! You will have to be patient with a couple of people in your life as they may try to rush around & get you involved in that rushing but don’t get caught up in the chaos of others. Keep yourself grounded & pay attention to details so you don’t miss something important. Be sure to pay attention to messages from your intuition & watch for signs that will point you in the right direction.

 

Gemini

For you dear Gemini June will bring change. It’s time to look at things from a different point of view & to let go of some outdated beliefs & ways of dealing with things in your life. What needs to change for you to be happy? Once you make these changes you will feel much lighter & be able to communicate your needs in a clearer way. Be sure to use your intuition & intellect to solve problems & get answers. Sometimes those answers are right in front of us or indeed within us so don’t look too far for those answers.

 

Cancer ♋️

You will find yourself getting organised & putting plans into place this month crabby folk so be sure to have all the details before you set them in stone. Trust that you have all the resources required to accomplish your goals. There may be changes in your home, you may move or renovate & these changes will be welcome. Whatever happens there will be a need to leave a part of your past behind & this will be an energetic thing as well as a physical thing. Doing a release on the full moon will serve you well.

 

Leo ♌️

There is great movement for you this month Leo’s & if you have been waiting for the right time to move forward, this is it. The ideas you have been working on are brilliant so get them out there. Trust your heart & know things will work out well. There will be a very energetic person that can help you with your ideas so get them on board as too. I feel the support from them will serve you well. It’s a great time to be adventurous & daring but we know you’re good at that anyway. Enjoy the energy of June & be at your best.

 

Virgo ♍️

Sometimes life gets us down & you dear Virgo have been feeling this keenly. Please know that you have great support around you in the people you are close to & the universe is also helping you. Try to direct your thoughts to what you do have rather than what you don’t have, this will tip the balance back the other way. I feel there will be an issue come up around your job or your study so be aware of this. It can be sorted easily enough by good decision making & being practical about the outcome you desire. Stay grounded.

 

Libra ♎️

There will be a time this month when you will need to stand up & speak your truth Librans. Do this with diplomacy & be sure to keep anger out of it as that will not help at all. I feel you will be tested as this issue has come up before but now it’s time to get it sorted. Step back before you speak & watch the other persons body language. Sometimes we have no choice but to make a stand for what we believe is right & risk judgement or disapproval from others. As long as you act with honesty & integrity it will work out fine.

 

Scorpio ♏️

You may be called upon to provide leadership this month Scorpio, whether it’s in your job or within your family. I feel you will bring things to an end & look at ways to move forward at the same time, it’s like something must be let go of to make space for something new. This is very exciting & you are more than able to make this happen so don’t doubt yourself. Others will have their opinions & that’s fine, take their suggestions on board as your decisions will affect them too. Confidence is the key.

 

Sagittarius ♐️

You will be dealing with some relationships that are very close to your heart this month Sagi. It’s important that you feel into them & are honest with your emotions. Some truth may need to be spoken but that’s good as it will clear the air. You may find your love relationship deepening or perhaps someone new will catch your eye. If you have been single for a while this is a good thing. Maintaining balance is also very important so be sure to keep things in check rather allowing them to get on top of you.

 

Capricorn ♑️

You may find yourself having to deal with emotions & unresolved issues from your past this month Capricorn. Deep emotion is indicated here & looking at them again may upset you but it’s time you did so. If there is something you need to say to someone that will help you to clear your conscience then do it. It’s about you & what you must do to heal & integrate that experience into your soul. There is a karmic feel about this so it will bring about great change, this is a good thing & you will be able to see that once the dust has cleared.

 

Aquarius ♒️

A very positive month is in store for you Aquarius so jump on board. It’s time to get creative & imaginative. There is a feeling of freedom so don’t be afraid to try new things & be daring. Look for new experiences & do something you have never done before. What have you been holding back from doing? Do that! Money & family will also play a big part in your life this month. If you don’t have a savings account, start one & have a fabulous holiday, plan to go somewhere you have never been. Be adventurous & make the dream a reality.

 

Pisces ♓️

If you are feeling disheartened dear Pisces please know that you are a lot stronger than you think you are & you can get through the challenges in your life right now. Take what you need from the recent lessons & leave the rest behind. A time of peace & calm is on front of you so keep moving forward. There is no need to rush, take your time as what is awaiting you will be there. I feel some healing would serve you well & help you to regain balance of your emotions. A period of quiet will take you to the next step.

Complex Trauma…

The following video is one of the best videos I have watched on Complex PTSD. If you suffer from C-PTSD, it will be very emotional to watch. But it will also be very validating of all that you went through and help you to understand your reactions to life. And will also confirm why it is important to be kind to yourself and to take care of yourself. If you have not experienced trauma, this is the perfect video to understand those who have. It is well worth watching for everyone. […]

via “Complex Trauma: Understanding and Treatment” — A Broken Blue Sky

Complex Trauma. Pieces of Me and the Pain of Healing a Broken Soul…

This is my face showing the emotional, physiological and psychological pain that goes along with Complex Trauma, also known as C-PTSD. The pain I was feeling when I took this photo was so raw, so strong and so deeply distressing.

This blog post is very hard for me to write as it makes me very vulnerable and I don’t like people to see the pain that I carry within me, the pain I have carried all my life. It makes me feel weak though I know I am not, I am very strong to have made it this far. For the last little while this has been weighing so heavily on me and I need to get it out of me, to put the words onto this page. I never understood the underlying sadness that has always been a part of me but that all changed last September. But I digress…

From the little I remember of my childhood I was a happy child and I loved my family, particularly my extended family and my friends that I grew up with. I was very protective of my younger brother and sister and would have done anything for them. Outside everything looked good. We lived in a nice house, wore nice clothes, we went on family holidays, never wanted for anything as both my parents worked to support their three children. But behind closed doors there was a darkness that I could not tell anyone about. I was a child, how could I explain darkness when I was a child of the light?

My father was a violent alcoholic and he regularly beat the shit out of my mother until she could not stand and was a mess. I recall seeing blood on the walls and her screaming at him, making him more angry and telling him she would ‘see him in hell’. I can still see her lying in bed, her eyes swollen shut, cuts and on her face & hands, unable to get up to tend to the children. This went on for years and I became the mother. I sheltered my siblings as best as I could, especially my sister as she was so small & fragile. I made excuses for my mother and became her confidante. I covered for her, I lied for her and she manipulated me in the cruelest way possible. She was jealous of me and made me feel bad, that I wasn’t good enough and physically assaulted me regularly.

As I grew into my teen years it got worse so I could not focus on my school work as I was exhausted from trying to get through the nights when the fights would start and the screaming and shouting went on for hours. I remember my father breaking down the back door one night in a drunken rage, he was furious that my mother had locked it and he went crazy. He turned off the power at the mains and was stalking my mother through the house. I was beyond terrified when she told me to take my siblings, to get out of the house and hide until everything had settled down. We ran down the street and hid under someone’s car for I don’t know how long until I felt it was safe to go home again.

The next day she was in such a bad way I begged her to go to hospital and to leave him, to get out of the house. She refused. There were no little or no facilities in the 70’s that could help women in that situation and both of her parents has passed away by this time and I now understand that she didn’t really like my fathers side of the family. They were good church going people and I now know they could see the evil in her that I was unable to see until I was in my thirties. So we stayed.

By the time I finished school both of my paternal grandparents has passed away so my soft place to fall was gone. Though things at home had settled down a little I knew I had to make an escape plan if I was to ever find some peace and freedom.  So when I finished school I started applying to hospitals so I could study to be a Nurse. Back in those days all your training was done in hospitals. I made sure to apply to places that were far away from where my parents were and to my great joy I was accepted at a hospital that was 80kms from my home town. Yippee, my first taste of semi freedom. My mother still kept a close eye on me but I was gradually loosening her grip.

After I finished my training I went on to work at a large hospital where I was fortunate to land one of the best positions I ever had. I still dream about working in that job to this day though I haven’t done it for 30 years. Now I had found my wings! I worked there for a few years and made some great friends. One of them moved to Perth in late 1986 and less than a year later I joined her. My parents forbid me to go and would not help me at all or drive me to the airport but I knew I had to go, and go I did. Living in Western Australia for the next two years helped me to find myself. A couple of years later I met my soul mate via a friend and we set off on our own adventures. My parents tried to interfere again saying that he was no good for me and I couldn’t trust him. When I took him home to meet them my mother told him lies about me and my father got drunk and had a fist fight with him, my boyfriend kicked his arse!

For the next seven years I travelled the world with my boyfriend, working in dodgy places, making truck loads of money, doing really risky things and generally having the best time. While we were living the life and working overseas it all started to come unstuck and we knew the relationship had reached its end so after an extremely painful break up I headed home to my parents who assured me that they would look after me and help me though this difficult time. In my weakened state I agreed so packed the remnants of my then life and headed back to the home town. I could never have prepared myself for the shit storm that awaited me there.

It was straight back into the manipulation & craziness. My father by this time was in his late 50’s and had injured his back at work so wasn’t as strong as he used to be but he still drank and was an angry man. They wanted to know everything about what happened so I told them we had drifted apart and the relationship came to its natural end. Of course that wasn’t good enough. My mother sent me to a psychiatrist and insisted I was medicated and tried to have me committed due to me being unable to cope (this was the first major PTSD trigger I had experienced since I left home).  I later found out my mother stole my address book and rang not only my ex boyfriend but also work colleagues to find out the real reason we had broken up. My father also has people following me to ‘keep tabs on me’ in case I got out of line. I stayed with them for five weeks until I could take no more.

One day I decided that was it, I packed all my stuff, called a taxi and and waited for them to come home from work. I asked them to sit down at the kitchen table as I had something important to tell them.  I told them I was done with them, that they were sick people that had ruined me and my siblings and they were to never contact me again, I had no family. I walked out that door and never looked back. I have had no contact with them for twenty years now and that’s they way it’s going to stay.  The pain that caused me is indescribable and sent me on a downward spiral that I’m lucky to have found my way back from.

Since then I have spent my life clawing my way back to sanity and wholeness through my spirituality and continual healing for the past 17 years. It has been the toughest road I have travelled. Fast forward to September 2016 when the next major trigger of the PTSD would happen literally in my back yard. I was told by a Psychic that I must heal my father wound before I could move on with my life and the universe wasn’t going to allow me to run this time, the fight or flight reactions I had used for so long were not an option. That wound was healed in a very dramatic way and got me to where I am today. Finally a diagnosis of why I am the way that I am. I’m not crazy! It explains everything!

I was sure I had dealt with enough of my past that I could settle down and live a quiet, calm life but no. I now find myself living next door to man that is very angry, who screams and shouts and throws his weight around, scaring his wife and young family. I tried to talk to them but that was a really bad idea and has caused bad feelings. A few days ago it all became too much and I had a huge meltdown and have struggled to function while being sick with extreme fear and anxiety. This morning when I woke up I was a mess. I have been crying all day. Crying for my lost childhood, crying for the immense pain and loss I have experienced in my life, crying for the physical scars I bear from my childhood and crying for the wounded woman I have become.

As I was lying on the couch today with my beautiful boys beside me I knew I had to write, writing always helps me and I feel a little better now I have written this blog post I don’t feel so stressed. I realise it’s not my job to fix the problems next door. I feel very sad for the children but I need to help myself, that is my priority and I will now focus on that. Having the big melt down was needed to help shift my focus. I will heal myself as best as I can with the help of trusted people that I have in my life.

So there it is my friends. My story is not an unusual one as there are millions of precious children that have been traumatised beyond belief. Then to one day wake up as an adult and finally gain some understanding why they are the way that they are. That they are not what happened to them. The road to healing is long and painful but I am willing to do whatever it takes to find some happiness and perhaps love. But how do you love the girl that’s never been loved…

Entering the murky depths. Healing and finding the Key…

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Today I did a healing exchange with a friend. Let’s call her Maggie…

I knew it was going to be all about the heart chakra but I also had a pleasant surprise. To start with I placed crystals on and around her and got an essential oil I knew would help. I put one hand on her heart and one on her arm, placing my hands on the person I’m healing gives me an instant connection to spirit. Straight away I could see that not only had Maggie closed her heart and thrown away the key but that she had also built a big dark wooden door around her heart to protect it. The door was huge and heavy with brass fittings and it was firmly locked, and the key to that door had also been thrown away. Far away.

I began to tell her what what I was visualising and she kept nodding her head. I spoke about finding the keys to unlock that door as that had to be opened first before she could get anywhere near her heart. As she started to tell me about the time she threw that key away, long ago I received a very clear picture in minds eye. I had been to Maggie’s house a few years ago to do a clearing on it when she moved in so was familiar with it. I was shown the river over from her house and the little jetty that juts out over the river directly across from her front yard.

Spirit very clearly told me she was to go and sit on that jetty every day for a week. To sit there at the same time every afternoon and put her feet in the water. As Maggie sat there she was to release her sadness into the water while at the same time drawing up the energy of that free flowing water into her heart. Draw up the richness from the fertile bottom of the river where the mud is dark and full of life and use that in her healing. I told her the time she spent there would be different every day and she was to go back home when the time felt right. She assured me she would do this for a week.

I then had one of the most beautiful visions I’ve ever had. I could see a water sprite, it was waiting on the jetty for Maggie and was going to help her heal. The little sprite was so happy and kept spraying water around while she was talking to me. She told she that Maggie was to take a little offering and leave it on the jetty every day. It didn’t have to be something fancy, rather it had to be pretty and colourful. I asked Maggie what she had been creating recently and she told me of some craft ideas she had and that she had been cooking a lot especially cakes. The water sprite got excited and asked for something colourful to be placed on the jetty with some cake in it. This would ensure that the sprite would help Maggie with her heart and emotional healing and also appease whatever other energies were in that place. Cake is a universal healer 😊

The next thing I noticed was that I could feel Maggies heart beating stronger than when she had first laid down on the table. I was so pleased. I asked Maggie to take some big deep breaths and to blow out the pain on every exhale. As she slowly came back to the real world she told me that she felt much lighter and was looking forward to heading over to the jetty to start the work of unlocking her broken heart.

The Spirtual Path. Heartbreak and Ressurection…

Today is a most auspicious day and the most important anniversary of my life. On this day 20 years ago I was dragged kicking and screaming and thrust onto my spiritual path, there was no turning back, there was no denying it. I had no choice, it was time…

I had been side tracked before but now the universe ensured all the old structures and beliefs that had got me to 32 years of age were broken down. Within six weeks I lost my ten year relationship, my ten year career and I walked away from my very toxic birth family for good. I was broken, lost, rudderless and emotionally bereft. I was sure I was having a breakdown and in a way I was, what I didn’t realise was I was being reborn and being set on a path that would change not only me but everything I believed in. I pawned some jewellery and bought a bus ticket, that ticket got me on a bus where I made my way across to the other side of the country. When I arrived in Perth I had one bag and $17 in my pocket.

Within a month I had a job in a bar and was making some friends but I was extremely unhappy and started drinking heavily. I wasn’t able to deal with the emotional pain I was experiencing so I was doing what I could to ease that pain. I stumbled through life in this way for about 6 months & then I started using drugs. That took me down a very bad road and sidetracked me for a while until one day I received a very strong message in my drug addled head that told me if I didn’t stop using the drugs something really bad was going to happen to me. That scared me enough to seek help. So I went through the process of drying out whilst attending a clinic twice a week and undergoing intense psychotherapy to deal with my past, when I stopped using my whole hideous past came back in a blinding flash and it was ugly!

Just a few short months later I found myself sitting in a womans lounge room as a friend had talked me into signing up to do a Tarot course she taught from her home. I had no idea why I was there. I knew nothing about Tarot and had only ever had one reading that quite frankly scared the shit out of me. So here I am staring at five people I had never met in my life, feeling like a fish out of water and this calm feeling comes over me, I start to cry and a voice in my head told me it was ok and that I had come home. How right that voice was!

I took to the Tarot like my life depended on it and at that time it did. Those magical cards guided me though the next eighteen months of challenges and helped me to make my way in the world. After the Tarot Course I signed up to learn two years of Astrolgy with the same teacher. My teacher signed me up for my first Psychic Fair and told me about it two weeks before it was on. She told me she knew I was a natural and she had never had a student like me before. Aaaaargh how was I going to do this? She told me that she believed in me, the first time anybody had ever said those words to me, so I did it. I did it because she believed enough in me that I started to believe in myself. I have never looked back since that Fair.

Now I find myself two decades on, as the teacher, the guide, the wise woman who helps others as I was helped so many years ago. These years have not been easy, not at all but they have been extremely rewarding. Somehow I managed to bring myself back from the grips of a drug addiction that could have taken my life and I turned my life around. I have experienced great adversity as well as struggled to deal with the aftermath of a terrible childhood that has scarred me deeply. I have the most amazing job and my abilities help all that come in contact with me.

This way of life is not my work, it is who I am. I did not choose this way of life, it chose me. I cannot deny this is my calling and I understand why I am here. As I progress through each stage of my spiritual evolution my life becomes richer and brighter. I value all the people I have met on my journey and give thanks to those that gave me the greatest pain as they helped me experience the greatest growth. My Grandma Martha and my Irish ancestors played a huge part in my recent lessons and movement and it gives me great joy to know they are with me now.

I look forward to the next twenty years 💛

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