Complex Trauma. Pieces of Me and the Pain of Healing a Broken Soul…

This is my face showing the emotional, physiological and psychological pain that goes along with Complex Trauma, also known as C-PTSD. The pain I was feeling when I took this photo was so raw, so strong and so deeply distressing.

This blog post is very hard for me to write as it makes me very vulnerable and I don’t like people to see the pain that I carry within me, the pain I have carried all my life. It makes me feel weak though I know I am not, I am very strong to have made it this far. For the last little while this has been weighing so heavily on me and I need to get it out of me, to put the words onto this page. I never understood the underlying sadness that has always been a part of me but that all changed last September. But I digress…

From the little I remember of my childhood I was a happy child and I loved my family, particularly my extended family and my friends that I grew up with. I was very protective of my younger brother and sister and would have done anything for them. Outside everything looked good. We lived in a nice house, wore nice clothes, we went on family holidays, never wanted for anything as both my parents worked to support their three children. But behind closed doors there was a darkness that I could not tell anyone about. I was a child, how could I explain darkness when I was a child of the light?

My father was a violent alcoholic and he regularly beat the shit out of my mother until she could not stand and was a mess. I recall seeing blood on the walls and her screaming at him, making him more angry and telling him she would ‘see him in hell’. I can still see her lying in bed, her eyes swollen shut, cuts and on her face & hands, unable to get up to tend to the children. This went on for years and I became the mother. I sheltered my siblings as best as I could, especially my sister as she was so small & fragile. I made excuses for my mother and became her confidante. I covered for her, I lied for her and she manipulated me in the cruelest way possible. She was jealous of me and made me feel bad, that I wasn’t good enough and physically assaulted me regularly.

As I grew into my teen years it got worse so I could not focus on my school work as I was exhausted from trying to get through the nights when the fights would start and the screaming and shouting went on for hours. I remember my father breaking down the back door one night in a drunken rage, he was furious that my mother had locked it and he went crazy. He turned off the power at the mains and was stalking my mother through the house. I was beyond terrified when she told me to take my siblings, to get out of the house and hide until everything had settled down. We ran down the street and hid under someone’s car for I don’t know how long until I felt it was safe to go home again.

The next day she was in such a bad way I begged her to go to hospital and to leave him, to get out of the house. She refused. There were no little or no facilities in the 70’s that could help women in that situation and both of her parents has passed away by this time and I now understand that she didn’t really like my fathers side of the family. They were good church going people and I now know they could see the evil in her that I was unable to see until I was in my thirties. So we stayed.

By the time I finished school both of my paternal grandparents has passed away so my soft place to fall was gone. Though things at home had settled down a little I knew I had to make an escape plan if I was to ever find some peace and freedom.  So when I finished school I started applying to hospitals so I could study to be a Nurse. Back in those days all your training was done in hospitals. I made sure to apply to places that were far away from where my parents were and to my great joy I was accepted at a hospital that was 80kms from my home town. Yippee, my first taste of semi freedom. My mother still kept a close eye on me but I was gradually loosening her grip.

After I finished my training I went on to work at a large hospital where I was fortunate to land one of the best positions I ever had. I still dream about working in that job to this day though I haven’t done it for 30 years. Now I had found my wings! I worked there for a few years and made some great friends. One of them moved to Perth in late 1986 and less than a year later I joined her. My parents forbid me to go and would not help me at all or drive me to the airport but I knew I had to go, and go I did. Living in Western Australia for the next two years helped me to find myself. A couple of years later I met my soul mate via a friend and we set off on our own adventures. My parents tried to interfere again saying that he was no good for me and I couldn’t trust him. When I took him home to meet them my mother told him lies about me and my father got drunk and had a fist fight with him, my boyfriend kicked his arse!

For the next seven years I travelled the world with my boyfriend, working in dodgy places, making truck loads of money, doing really risky things and generally having the best time. While we were living the life and working overseas it all started to come unstuck and we knew the relationship had reached its end so after an extremely painful break up I headed home to my parents who assured me that they would look after me and help me though this difficult time. In my weakened state I agreed so packed the remnants of my then life and headed back to the home town. I could never have prepared myself for the shit storm that awaited me there.

It was straight back into the manipulation & craziness. My father by this time was in his late 50’s and had injured his back at work so wasn’t as strong as he used to be but he still drank and was an angry man. They wanted to know everything about what happened so I told them we had drifted apart and the relationship came to its natural end. Of course that wasn’t good enough. My mother sent me to a psychiatrist and insisted I was medicated and tried to have me committed due to me being unable to cope (this was the first major PTSD trigger I had experienced since I left home).  I later found out my mother stole my address book and rang not only my ex boyfriend but also work colleagues to find out the real reason we had broken up. My father also has people following me to ‘keep tabs on me’ in case I got out of line. I stayed with them for five weeks until I could take no more.

One day I decided that was it, I packed all my stuff, called a taxi and and waited for them to come home from work. I asked them to sit down at the kitchen table as I had something important to tell them.  I told them I was done with them, that they were sick people that had ruined me and my siblings and they were to never contact me again, I had no family. I walked out that door and never looked back. I have had no contact with them for twenty years now and that’s they way it’s going to stay.  The pain that caused me is indescribable and sent me on a downward spiral that I’m lucky to have found my way back from.

Since then I have spent my life clawing my way back to sanity and wholeness through my spirituality and continual healing for the past 17 years. It has been the toughest road I have travelled. Fast forward to September 2016 when the next major trigger of the PTSD would happen literally in my back yard. I was told by a Psychic that I must heal my father wound before I could move on with my life and the universe wasn’t going to allow me to run this time, the fight or flight reactions I had used for so long were not an option. That wound was healed in a very dramatic way and got me to where I am today. Finally a diagnosis of why I am the way that I am. I’m not crazy! It explains everything!

I was sure I had dealt with enough of my past that I could settle down and live a quiet, calm life but no. I now find myself living next door to man that is very angry, who screams and shouts and throws his weight around, scaring his wife and young family. I tried to talk to them but that was a really bad idea and has caused bad feelings. A few days ago it all became too much and I had a huge meltdown and have struggled to function while being sick with extreme fear and anxiety. This morning when I woke up I was a mess. I have been crying all day. Crying for my lost childhood, crying for the immense pain and loss I have experienced in my life, crying for the physical scars I bear from my childhood and crying for the wounded woman I have become.

As I was lying on the couch today with my beautiful boys beside me I knew I had to write, writing always helps me and I feel a little better now I have written this blog post I don’t feel so stressed. I realise it’s not my job to fix the problems next door. I feel very sad for the children but I need to help myself, that is my priority and I will now focus on that. Having the big melt down was needed to help shift my focus. I will heal myself as best as I can with the help of trusted people that I have in my life.

So there it is my friends. My story is not an unusual one as there are millions of precious children that have been traumatised beyond belief. Then to one day wake up as an adult and finally gain some understanding why they are the way that they are. That they are not what happened to them. The road to healing is long and painful but I am willing to do whatever it takes to find some happiness and perhaps love. But how do you love the girl that’s never been loved…


Entering the murky depths. Healing and finding the Key…


Today I did a healing exchange with a friend. Let’s call her Maggie…

I knew it was going to be all about the heart chakra but I also had a pleasant surprise. To start with I placed crystals on and around her and got an essential oil I knew would help. I put one hand on her heart and one on her arm, placing my hands on the person I’m healing gives me an instant connection to spirit. Straight away I could see that not only had Maggie closed her heart and thrown away the key but that she had also built a big dark wooden door around her heart to protect it. The door was huge and heavy with brass fittings and it was firmly locked, and the key to that door had also been thrown away. Far away.

I began to tell her what what I was visualising and she kept nodding her head. I spoke about finding the keys to unlock that door as that had to be opened first before she could get anywhere near her heart. As she started to tell me about the time she threw that key away, long ago I received a very clear picture in minds eye. I had been to Maggie’s house a few years ago to do a clearing on it when she moved in so was familiar with it. I was shown the river over from her house and the little jetty that juts out over the river directly across from her front yard.

Spirit very clearly told me she was to go and sit on that jetty every day for a week. To sit there at the same time every afternoon and put her feet in the water. As Maggie sat there she was to release her sadness into the water while at the same time drawing up the energy of that free flowing water into her heart. Draw up the richness from the fertile bottom of the river where the mud is dark and full of life and use that in her healing. I told her the time she spent there would be different every day and she was to go back home when the time felt right. She assured me she would do this for a week.

I then had one of the most beautiful visions I’ve ever had. I could see a water sprite, it was waiting on the jetty for Maggie and was going to help her heal. The little sprite was so happy and kept spraying water around while she was talking to me. She told she that Maggie was to take a little offering and leave it on the jetty every day. It didn’t have to be something fancy, rather it had to be pretty and colourful. I asked Maggie what she had been creating recently and she told me of some craft ideas she had and that she had been cooking a lot especially cakes. The water sprite got excited and asked for something colourful to be placed on the jetty with some cake in it. This would ensure that the sprite would help Maggie with her heart and emotional healing and also appease whatever other energies were in that place. Cake is a universal healer 😊

The next thing I noticed was that I could feel Maggies heart beating stronger than when she had first laid down on the table. I was so pleased. I asked Maggie to take some big deep breaths and to blow out the pain on every exhale. As she slowly came back to the real world she told me that she felt much lighter and was looking forward to heading over to the jetty to start the work of unlocking her broken heart.

The Spirtual Path. Heartbreak and Ressurection…

Today is a most auspicious day and the most important anniversary of my life. On this day 20 years ago I was dragged kicking and screaming and thrust onto my spiritual path, there was no turning back, there was no denying it. I had no choice, it was time…

I had been side tracked before but now the universe ensured all the old structures and beliefs that had got me to 32 years of age were broken down. Within six weeks I lost my ten year relationship, my ten year career and I walked away from my very toxic birth family for good. I was broken, lost, rudderless and emotionally bereft. I was sure I was having a breakdown and in a way I was, what I didn’t realise was I was being reborn and being set on a path that would change not only me but everything I believed in. I pawned some jewellery and bought a bus ticket, that ticket got me on a bus where I made my way across to the other side of the country. When I arrived in Perth I had one bag and $17 in my pocket.

Within a month I had a job in a bar and was making some friends but I was extremely unhappy and started drinking heavily. I wasn’t able to deal with the emotional pain I was experiencing so I was doing what I could to ease that pain. I stumbled through life in this way for about 6 months & then I started using drugs. That took me down a very bad road and sidetracked me for a while until one day I received a very strong message in my drug addled head that told me if I didn’t stop using the drugs something really bad was going to happen to me. That scared me enough to seek help. So I went through the process of drying out whilst attending a clinic twice a week and undergoing intense psychotherapy to deal with my past, when I stopped using my whole hideous past came back in a blinding flash and it was ugly!

Just a few short months later I found myself sitting in a womans lounge room as a friend had talked me into signing up to do a Tarot course she taught from her home. I had no idea why I was there. I knew nothing about Tarot and had only ever had one reading that quite frankly scared the shit out of me. So here I am staring at five people I had never met in my life, feeling like a fish out of water and this calm feeling comes over me, I start to cry and a voice in my head told me it was ok and that I had come home. How right that voice was!

I took to the Tarot like my life depended on it and at that time it did. Those magical cards guided me though the next eighteen months of challenges and helped me to make my way in the world. After the Tarot Course I signed up to learn two years of Astrolgy with the same teacher. My teacher signed me up for my first Psychic Fair and told me about it two weeks before it was on. She told me she knew I was a natural and she had never had a student like me before. Aaaaargh how was I going to do this? She told me that she believed in me, the first time anybody had ever said those words to me, so I did it. I did it because she believed enough in me that I started to believe in myself. I have never looked back since that Fair.

Now I find myself two decades on, as the teacher, the guide, the wise woman who helps others as I was helped so many years ago. These years have not been easy, not at all but they have been extremely rewarding. Somehow I managed to bring myself back from the grips of a drug addiction that could have taken my life and I turned my life around. I have experienced great adversity as well as struggled to deal with the aftermath of a terrible childhood that has scarred me deeply. I have the most amazing job and my abilities help all that come in contact with me.

This way of life is not my work, it is who I am. I did not choose this way of life, it chose me. I cannot deny this is my calling and I understand why I am here. As I progress through each stage of my spiritual evolution my life becomes richer and brighter. I value all the people I have met on my journey and give thanks to those that gave me the greatest pain as they helped me experience the greatest growth. My Grandma Martha and my Irish ancestors played a huge part in my recent lessons and movement and it gives me great joy to know they are with me now.

I look forward to the next twenty years 💛


Bali. The Father Wound. The Great Purge & New Horizons…

Rewind to February 2016 when I was guided by spirit to book a holiday on the tropical island of Bali. I had never planned to go there but was compelled to go into a travel agent and basically give them all my savings. I walked out of the agent with tickets and booking confirmations in my hands and I still had no idea what it was all about.

As I walked down the ramp to board the Garuda flight in June I told spirit I didn’t understand why I was doing this and was promptly told ‘just get on the bloody plane’. I felt sick for the whole flight to Bali but as soon as I put my feet on Balinese soil all those doubts and feelings disappeared. Never could I have understood at that time the changes that 10 day visit would make to my life.

3 events in Bali have changed my life.

Number one was seeing the Balian (Traditional Healer). He knew of my greatest wound and told me I was to heal the great scar upon my heart so I could move on with my life. Until I did that, nothing would change. I knew exactly what he meant and knew it was going to be a big job.

Number two was the reading I had with a lady in Ubud. She told me I was to go home and heal my father wound (the great scar), a prospect that was daunting to say the least and a bit spooky as I had been told the same thing that very morning. I had no idea how to do this and she told me I would find the way. I was furious that I had to do this again. She also told me not to move house or start anything new until I had healed that wound.

Number three was the purification ceremony and prayer that I did with my friend Made at Tirta Empul the day after my birthday. I released so much that day. I cleansed my soul and prayed for forgiveness and strength for what I was about to do.

Fast forward to September and my how things have changed.
Since the last Full Moon I have healed the father wound through the most unusual circumstances and today I gave notice to the real estate agents that I will be breaking my lease here in November. I have balanced the karma between my father and I, it’s time to move on. I will be in my new home by the end of this number 9 universal year and I can’t wait.

In between all of this my crazy neighbours have now become too much and I need to move.What happened last week was the final straw. The male was arrested after jumping the fence and going crazy in my back yard. He smashed up my stuff and was screaming like a maniac, completely out of control. He then jumped back over the fence and beat the hell out of his girlfriend. It was like a scene out of an episode of COPS, the only thing missing was the helicopter in the sky. People running amok, fighting in the street, the police sirens, it was all happening. Finally he was taken away, the girlfriend told to stay away for 48hrs.

Unfortunately they are back together in the house but they are very quiet and  I’m hoping it stays that way until I leave. We will see. I cannot stay here as its not safe for myself or my boys, I have 8 weeks to go.

I have released a great burden from my past and I now have a vision of the future. I look forward to new horizons and another trip to Bali ❤️ I’m going to have a chat to my spirit guides when I get back over to the other side and ask them to be more stern with my determined little soul . I’m learning enough big lessons to last me two lifetimes in this incarnation…

The sins of the Mother. Pain & Forgiveness…

Recently I did a very deep and emotional reading for a lovely lady… lets call her Jane.

As soon as I opened the door and said hello to Jane I knew she was in pain, not just emotionally but also physically. We had barely started talking and she started to cry so I knew there was a lot of unresolved emotion and I also felt anger within her. She began by talking about her mother (see a previous post about the mother wound that I wrote). Jane was very resentful and blamed her mother for everything that had gone wrong in her life, everything.

As she was talking to me I felt her mother step in. Spirits always stand around the bookcase where I keep my cards & books in the corner of my sitting room, always the same place. I felt a deep sadness in her mums soul and she began telling me about her life as Jane’s mum. Her childhood was awful & she never felt loved by either of her parents, particularly her mum (Jane’s Grandma) so there was a pattern here, a history of mother wounding. She gestured behind her and showed me the women going back through the years, I could see how differently they were dressed and it went back to early 19th century Europe. She told me this had been happening for many, many generations.

I understood this very well as I have been healing the mother wound for years. I began to explain to Jane the dynamics of what had been happening in her family for so long and she seemed to relax a little (and stop crying). When we are not mothered well how can we be expected to be a good mother ourselves? We may be the good enough mother who was there or an emotionally absent mother but still there physically but that still leaves a void, a mother wound.

When this goes so far back it can often come down to us to be the woman that has the rather challenging choice as to whether we step up and heal that generational mother wound or not. Jane is one of these women. It’s a weight to carry, make no mistake. I have done a lot of work on this wound and it is exhausting, at times emotionally crippling. I understand why some women never heal this wound, I really do but to do it is a blessing to all when you can heal your mothers. Rather than wading through the mud of the pasts of many women for most of your life.

My own mother was adopted and on a soul level faced darkness before she was born into this current life time. Her mother also faced judgement and ridicule due to the circumstances she found herself in when she was pregnant with my mother in the early 1940’s and it goes back further to Ireland. That wasn’t pleasant.

I explained much of this to Jane and I could see she understood what I was saying. Her mum spoke up and told Jane she was so sorry for the way she had been and the way she had treated Jane when she was a child. She was almost begging for forgiveness, I could feel how painful it was for her. Forgiveness is a big deal & some people are unable to forgive people from their past. That’s really ok. I was sure I would never forgive my mother but I did just that 5 years ago after working on it for many years. I completely let it go. I let her go. I was completely surprised at the sense of freedom I felt ans am so glad I achieved it.

Jane now had a deeper understanding about the complexity of her situation. It wasn’t as cut and dried as she had thought. We were both exhausted so I started to wrap things up and I can honestly say Jane looked 10 years younger. I gave her a big hug and suggested she work through her emotions to try to find some forgiveness and understanding in her heart, both for herself and her mother. I had a lie down and fell asleep for a while as I was worn out,  when I woke I started writing this down while it’s still fresh in my mind.

When we look at our mothers and our past with her remember there are generations behind her that we may not know anything about. Perhaps it would help to talk to her and ask her about her history & if she knows much about the women that came before her. We all carry parts of those women within us today and we owe it not only to ourselves but to those that came before us to try to forgive & heal ❤️❤️❤️

Release. Stepping into the Heart Space & Roses…

I did a beautiful session with a lady today, let’s call her Theresa


Theresa came to see me after a friend recommended me as she knew I was just the person Theresa needed to see. We started out with Numerology as I like to see where people are in the 9 year cycle. I then put out an extended Tarot Spread and told her the story of her life thus far through the pictures and symbolism of the cards. The mother card was highlighted so I asked her about her relationship with her Mum. She told me that her mother had passed away 29 years ago and that she had never been to her grave site since the funeral as it was too painful for her. As we were talking I felt her mother come through and she was quite a character. She told me to ask Theresa about the gold bangle & I could hear the sound like bangles jingling on someones wrist as they mover their arm. Theresa gave me the oddest look and told me her most prized possession she had when she was a kid was a gold bangle that her mother gave her when she was 10 years old. She loved that bangle and still had it 43 years later. I could see a sadness in her eyes and knew it was time to get her on the table in the healing room.

We went into the healing room and did a brief but very intense Healing. Her mum also came in and asked where her flowers were, Theresa broke down and let out the biggest sob I have ever heard. I felt the release from her heart chakra and told her she needed to go to her mothers grave and to take her some roses, this would be the next step in her healing. It was made so much easier by the fact that Theresa was open to everything that happened during the session and I got a bit emotional myself. I now knew that’s why she came to me. When Theresa was leaving she actually looked different, lighter, happier and this made me very happy.  

Just a few days later Theresa sent me a message telling me she had gone to her mothers grave along with doing a couple of other things that needed to be done to clear her past. She was very grateful and it filled my heart with joy to know I had helped her so much.

I am so blessed!

The Power of Love. Cleansing Tears & Healing of the Past…

Earlier today I did a very powerful session with the nicest lady today, let’s call her Jane. She had been through a very difficult time over the last year or so and had been to see me once before so I knew a little about her. Jane was extremely emotional and overwrought as soon as she sat down so we spoke for a little while then I had slow things down and help her to calm herself before I could start the reading. There is no point trying to talk to or read for someone that is beside themselves as they won’t hear a thing you’re saying.

Once we got started it was very clear that her decisions from the past were haunting her and she had come to a cross roads in her current marriage. Her husband is being deceitful and manipulative so basically it’s time for him to go. We discussed different things and both of Jane’s parents came through from the other side to give her messages. They were very clear and straight to the point, especially her Mum. Now Jane had calmed down it was time to step into the healing room.

As soon as she was comfortable on the table I started receiving guidance about how I could help her. I placed crystals on and around her, sprayed clearing spray and put some oil on my hands and stood behind the bed holding her head in my hands. I was shown that she had (energetic) hooks in her back that needed to be removed so I started talking to her about who had put those hooks in her. I asked her to visualise herself standing in front of her and to look at her back to see what was there. She told me there were five hooks in her back and there was one big dark black hook that was buried deep inside the upper left hand side, behind her heart. I instantly seen what she was visualising and asked to her tell me who and where it had come from as I felt removing this hook was the most important thing to do in the healing. I told her to go ahead and try to remove this hook.

We were like that for a few minutes and I could see her struggling so I asked her how she was going. She started to cry and told me she wasn’t sure she could do it today. I reassured her that it was ok if she couldn’t do it, that we could do more work on it later. She took a big deep breath and all went quiet again. I could see her clenching her hands with tears running down the sides of her face as I held her in that space for a while. When I asked her again how she was going she told me to shut up and to let her keep doing what she was doing. OK…

Again I stood back and held her in silence. I could see her face start to change. Her mouth turned upwards, she stopped crying and her skin smoothed out to make her look younger. I could feel a weight lifting from her as she told me she had done it. I felt so happy for her and asked what kind of wound that hook had left. It was pretty nasty so we both visualised green healing light going into that space where that hook had been for the longest time. It was from her first husband many years ago, she had done it, yay! She was so brave and I knew it was really hard for her but she did it! I told her she would need to keep healing the wound as it had been there a long time.

When Jane opened her eyes and looked at me I could see a change and a strong determination in them that was not there before. We had a chat about the next step and what is important now. We went back into the reading room where we had a big drink of water and I gave her some White Sage Tealights to take home with her. I walked her to the door where she started hugging and kissing me

I will follow up with her and help to keep her on track over the next 5 months until she gets through this next challenge. I’m so proud of her efforts today. It takes great courage to do what she did and it will serve her well.