The Mother wound is the most painful wound we experience and for women it is particularly difficult. It colours everything we do, how we behave with every person we come in contact with, every relationship we become involved in and how we express and feel our emotional side. If you were not mothered well, if your mother was absent or abusive in any way you will have a wound. This wound is deep, so deep in fact many of us do not realise we have it until we have grown and matured enough to gain insight into our deep inner world.
My mother has never been stable and I believe she has an un-diagnosed mental illness that causes extreme mood swings, caused her to be cruel, manipulative and extremely controlling. She was not the type to hug you or tell you she loved you but was ready to put you down or slap you at the nearest opportunity. She never had a good grip on reality, was a compulsive liar and that coupled with a violent alcoholic father that beat his wife five nights out of seven ensured I lived in survival mode for the whole of my childhood. I was terrified to breathe for the first 18 years of my life. I understood early in the peace that I had to protect my younger siblings as much as I was able, as well as trying to keep myself together. I became the parent to my brother and sister and looked after them.
Finally when I was 18 I got the opportunity to escape the chaos that was my home and left to live in another city. The next time I returned home was the last time I would go there. I had to make a break as I could not be a part of their toxic & dysfunctional way of living. Almost 20 years ago I left my whole family behind as I could not cope any more, my gentle soul was slowly dying like a flower that has not been watered and nurtured. The violence, blood, deceit, manipulation and betrayal had become more than I was able to deal with so I consequently left behind my parents, my siblings, my relatives and anyone that knew or had a relationship with my parents. I was on my own, deeply wounded, sick to my soul and broken into a million pieces.
Those years were incredibly difficult as I stumbled through life trying desperately to find the fragments of myself and piece them back together after an extremely painful and toxic childhood. I looked to women older than myself for guidance as I was so confused and unsure what it was to be an adult woman. Of course I chose the wrong men but fortunately not the alcoholic/violent ones, I promised myself I would never get involved with my ‘father’ in a love relationship. Rather I chose the nasty, spiteful ones just like my mother.
It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I began twelve months of intense therapy and started studying Tarot and Astrology that I could really identify what the constant heart wrenching pain was, those four years of learning changed myself and my life. I had been going through this excruciating pain for so long it had become a part of me and when times got tough I spewed out the poison that had been my life up until then. My emotions were so raw they frightened off anyone that got close enough to experience them. I had always thought the alcohol fueled rages and extreme violence of my father was causing my pain and to discover through therapy that it all went back to my mother brought me to my knees. I still can feel the pain that seeped from every pore when I realised I had been betrayed by the feminine since before I was birthed into this world. The therapy helped me immensely and I was able to work through some issues and be able to move forward on my path with at least a little clarity. Now and then in the following years something would happen that brought up that wound and it demanded to be looked at again.
Six years ago I embarked on my own self healing journey of the Mother/Feminine as I felt the time was right and I was feeling strong after gaining more life experience as well as reading for people and continuing some study. I read some wonderful books, had some more counselling and was able to talk to good friends that had experienced similar experiences. We all acknowledged that we had mother wounds and helped to nurture each other through out healing processes at the time. Picking at the scab of my mother wound was painful but not as painful as the last time I had done it. It was as well I experienced that healing when I did as some of the women I had gone on that healing journey with would betray me in the next couple of years and ripped open that wound yet again. I dived into that wound, up to my elbows in blood and snot and shit, crying so hard I was sure my heart would break right then. I needed to release it, not hold it in there as I had done in the past. I asked myself how could I be so stupid and trusting, then I came to the understanding that it was another step on the path of healing.
Two years ago my only sister found me after 18 years of no contact and I was overwhelmed with emotions. I tried for a couple of months to have a relationship with her but she is more damaged than I am. Filled with hate and spite for all that have hurt her. She had not had a relationship with mother and father for 10 years and is bitter and twisted, bent on revenge. Her ex husband cheated on her so she hates him as well and gives him as much grief as she can. They live in different parts of the country which is just as well. Unfortunately she has two children that she treats just as our mother treated us. The eldest one has made a break from her and ran away to his father so he would have some peace. My sister did tell me that our mother had treated her children the same as she had treated us, being cruel and manipulative. I could not cope with what she told me and before I could develop a relationship with my two nephews I had to release my sister a second time. This caused me the most intense pain, I cannot explain how that affected me and I still have not recovered from those events. One day I cried so hard I vomited. I still feel that pain so keenly and am crying as I type this.
Over the past two years year I have been on yet another another healing journey. This time through Shamanic practices and soul retrieval. This was the deepest healing I had experienced on my journey so far and it took me to places in myself I never knew existed. Through a very compassionate & strongly psychic therapist I went back to my early childhood (I do not remember much of my childhood at all) and seen what I was living with at such a tender age. It broke my heart again, seeing that precious little soul struggling in such a toxic environment. She was so trusting and full of love, it was so difficult to see the confusion that was written all over her little face. The most painful thing I realised in the last session was that nobody has ever loved me. That brought me to my knees and I cried for days and days afterwards. Never have I felt such a sadness and I doubt I will ever recover from it.
This year I had an experience that took me right back to my childhood and the atrocities I had to witness. I had flashbacks and panic attacks. I found myself hiding under a blanket with my heart pounding wildly, I was sure I was going to have a heart attack and die. I became so distressed I could not cope. At 52 years of age I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with Complex Trauma, also known as Developmental Trauma or Childhood PTSD. When the Psychologist was explaining it to me I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. She was talking about me!!! Finally I know what was wrong with me for all those years. Looking back I can see how this neurological condition has coloured my whole life up until this day. I am now in therapy and taking steps to be able to deal with it as best I can. There is no cure for CT, you can only learn to manage your symptoms and be in a calm environment where there are minimal stressors and triggers. This is one of the most difficult challenges I have been presented with and I’m working hard to heal and to love myself through the process.
My healing journey continues…