Broken Promises. Broken Lives and Broken Hearts…

This is a cute photo from 1969, the children are so young and innocent. Full of love and happiness. They have a belief that life is good and they will be cherished and taken care of.

This photo of my brother, sister and I is the only one I have of us all together. The only emotion I feel when I look at this photo is sadness, a deep sadness I will never recover from. They are three precious little souls who never had a chance at a normal childhood, three beautiful children that are haunted by their childhood into their middle age. Three innocent babies that are so damaged they are unable to have a relationship with their parents or each other.

I miss my sister dearly. We slept in the same bedroom for 15 years, we grew up together, we shared our things with each other. I loved her so much and we had the best time. I helped her to escape my parents when I was able to and she flourished once she was free but her pain is harder to bare than mine. My brother is so sad and there is nothing I can do to help him. He is too wounded and closed off. We live in the same state but have had no contact for two decades.

Love & cherish your brothers and sisters, they are such a wonderful part of your life and nobody knows you like they do.

Tonight I will pray and send all my love to my brother and sister as the end of another year without them in my life comes to pass.

Darryl and Jenny ❤❤

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The Mother Wound. Betrayal of the Feminine. Blood, Lies & Healing my Broken Heart…

The Mother wound is the most painful wound we experience and for women it is particularly difficult. It colours everything we do, how we behave with every person we come in contact with, every relationship we become involved in and how we express and feel our emotional side. If you were not mothered well, if your mother was absent or abusive in any way you will have a wound. This wound is deep, so deep in fact many of us do not realise we have it until we have grown and matured enough to gain insight into our deep inner world.

My mother has never been stable and I believe she has an un-diagnosed mental illness that causes extreme mood swings, caused her to be cruel, manipulative and extremely controlling. She was not the type to hug you or tell you she loved you but was ready to put you down or slap you at the nearest opportunity. She never had a good grip on reality, was a compulsive liar and that coupled with a violent alcoholic father that beat his wife five nights out of seven ensured I lived in survival mode for the whole of my childhood. I was terrified to breathe for the first 18 years of my life. I understood early in the peace that I had to protect my younger siblings as much as I was able, as well as trying to keep myself together. I became the parent to my brother and sister and looked after them.

Finally when I was 18 I got the opportunity to escape the chaos that was my home and left to live in another city. The next time I returned home was the last time I would go there. I had to make a break as I could not be a part of their toxic & dysfunctional way of living. Almost 20 years ago I left my whole family behind as I could not cope any more, my gentle soul was slowly dying like a flower that has not been watered and nurtured. The violence, blood, deceit, manipulation and betrayal had become more than I was able to deal with so I consequently left behind my parents, my siblings, my relatives and anyone that knew or had a relationship with my parents. I was on my own, deeply wounded, sick to my soul and broken into a million pieces.

Those years were incredibly difficult as I stumbled through life trying desperately to find the fragments of myself and piece them back together after an extremely painful and toxic childhood. I looked to women older than myself for guidance as I was so confused and unsure what it was to be an adult woman. Of course I chose the wrong men but fortunately not the alcoholic/violent ones, I promised myself I would never get involved with my ‘father’ in a love relationship. Rather I chose the nasty, spiteful ones just like my mother.

It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I began twelve months of intense therapy and started studying Tarot and Astrology that I could really identify what the constant heart wrenching pain was, those four years of learning changed myself and my life. I had been going through this excruciating pain for so long it had become a part of me and when times got tough I spewed out the poison that had been my life up until then. My emotions were so raw they frightened off anyone that got close enough to experience them. I had always thought the alcohol fueled rages and extreme violence of my father was causing my pain and to discover through therapy that it all went back to my mother brought me to my knees. I still can feel the pain that seeped from every pore when I realised I had been betrayed by the feminine since before I was birthed into this world. The therapy helped me immensely and I was able to work through some issues and be able to move forward on my path with at least a little clarity. Now and then in the following years something would happen that brought up that wound and it demanded to be looked at again.

Six years ago I embarked on my own self healing journey of the Mother/Feminine as I felt the time was right and I was feeling strong after gaining more life experience as well as reading for people and continuing some study. I read some wonderful books, had some more counselling and was able to talk to good friends that had experienced similar experiences. We all acknowledged that we had mother wounds and helped to nurture each other through out healing processes at the time. Picking at the scab of my mother wound was painful but not as painful as the last time I had done it. It was as well I experienced that healing when I did as some of the women I had gone on that healing journey with would betray me in the next couple of years and ripped open that wound yet again. I dived into that wound, up to my elbows in blood and snot and shit, crying so hard I was sure my heart would break right then. I needed to release it, not hold it in there as I had done in the past. I asked myself how could I be so stupid and trusting, then I came to the understanding that it was another step on the path of healing.

Two years ago my only sister found me after 18 years of no contact and I was overwhelmed with emotions. I tried for a couple of months to have a relationship with her but she is more damaged than I am. Filled with hate and spite for all that have hurt her. She had not had a relationship with mother and father for 10 years and is bitter and twisted, bent on revenge. Her ex husband cheated on her so she hates him as well and gives him as much grief as she can. They live in different parts of the country which is just as well. Unfortunately she has two children that she treats just as our mother treated us. The eldest one has made a break from her and ran away to his father so he would have some peace. My sister did tell me that our mother had treated her children the same as she had treated us, being cruel and manipulative. I could not cope with what she told me and before I could develop a relationship with my two nephews I had to release my sister a second time. This caused me the most intense pain, I cannot explain how that affected me and I still have not recovered from those events. One day I cried so hard I vomited. I still feel that pain so keenly and am crying as I type this.

Over the past two years year I have been on yet another another healing journey. This time through Shamanic practices and soul retrieval. This was the deepest healing I had experienced on my journey so far and it took me to places in myself I never knew existed. Through a very compassionate & strongly psychic therapist I went back to my early childhood (I do not remember much of my childhood at all) and seen what I was living with at such a tender age. It broke my heart again, seeing that precious little soul struggling in such a toxic environment. She was so trusting and full of love, it was so difficult to see the confusion that was written all over her little face. The most painful thing I realised in the last session was that nobody has ever loved me. That brought me to my knees and I cried for days and days afterwards. Never have I felt such a sadness and I doubt I will ever recover from it.

This year I had an experience that took me right back to my childhood and the atrocities I had to witness. I had flashbacks and panic attacks. I found myself hiding under a blanket with my heart pounding wildly, I was sure I was going to have a heart attack and die. I became so distressed I could not cope. At 52 years of age I had a breakdown and was diagnosed with Complex Trauma, also known as Developmental Trauma or Childhood PTSD. When the Psychologist was explaining it to me I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably. She was talking about me!!!  Finally I know what was wrong with me for all those years. Looking back I can see how this neurological condition has coloured my whole life up until this day. I am now in therapy and taking steps to be able to deal with it as best I can. There is no cure for CT, you can only learn to manage your symptoms and be in a calm environment where there are minimal stressors and triggers. This is one of the most difficult challenges I have been presented with and I’m working hard to heal and to love myself through the process.

My healing journey continues…

Death. Rebirth. Karmic Ties & the Pain of Growth…

I came across this picture this morning and it stopped me in my tracks. I had to pause to look at it and listen the words that popped into my head spoke of my journey thus far. The many deaths I have been through, the decay of who I thought I was. The dried bones scattered in my past, left to turn to nothing but dust, to be taken by the wind.

Though I have stumbled and fallen I have still been able to grow, to sprout new shoots and reach for the warmth of the sun. I have been able to grow thanks to the rich soil of my decay. Many times I have started from scratch and had to learn about the new me, the more compassionate me. The challenge of death, rebirth and the pain of the growth that comes from that cycle doesn’t have a time limit or an instruction manual. You’re on your own and you just have to trust.

This year I struggled with a very difficult karmic experience that took everything I had to get through. It was brought into my home so I had no choice but to go through the extremely difficult lessons I nedded to complete. My security and my very foundation were made unsafe and there was nowhere to go to escape the fear and overwhelming emotions I was experiencing.  So I worked through it with the help of spirit and a couple of good friends. I was told that I needed to ride this out, for things to come to come to their conclusion the way that they were meant to. This would ensure I didn’t have to learn this lesson again.

It took me back to my childhood which was a very painful place and one I did not want to visit… but I was taken there anyway. Memories and experiences I thought I had dealt with came back to haunt me and I had no choice but to remember and process them. I had to seek help to do this and am still going through therapy. I learned a new way of dealing with the pain of the past and the events that left scars on my heart. Looking back as an adult, putting into practice many things I have learned on my spiritual path have helped me to navigate the past 6 months and come to a place of acceptance, compassion and most importantly forgiveness.

As this universal number 9 year draws to a close I have some more releasing and cleansing to do & this will happen in the next 2 weeks. Like the tree I will reach toward the sky again and take the wisdom of experience with me as I continue my soul journey….

 

 

Pain of the Past. Generations & Healing our Ancestral Mothers…

 

Recently I did a very deep and emotional reading for a lovely lady… lets call her Jane.

As soon as I opened the door and said hello to Jane I knew she was in pain, not just emotionally but also physically. We had barely started talking and she started to cry so I knew there was a lot of unresolved emotion and I also felt anger within her. She began by talking about her mother (see a previous post about the mother wound that I wrote). Jane was very resentful and blamed her mother for everything that had gone wrong in her life, everything.

As she was talking to me I felt her mother step in. Spirits always stand around the bookcase where I keep my cards and books in the corner of my sitting room, always the same place. I felt a deep sadness in her mums soul and she began telling me about her life as Jane’s mum. Her childhood was horrible and she never felt loved by either of her parents, particularly her mum (Janes Grandma) so there was a pattern here, a history of mother wounding. She gestured behind her and showed me the women going back through the years, I could see how differently they were dressed, it went back to early 19th century Europe. She told me this had been happening for many, many generations.

I understood this very well as I have been healing the mother wound for years. I began to explain to Jane the dynamics of what had been happening in her family for so long and she seemed to relax a little (and stop crying). When we are not mothered well how can we be expected to be a good mother ourselves? We may be the good enough mother who was there or an emotionally absent mother but still there physically but that still leaves a void, a mother wound.

When this goes so far back it can often come down to us to be the woman that has the rather challenging choice as to whether we step up and heal that generational mother wound or not. Jane is one of these women. It’s a weight to carry, make no mistake. I have done a lot of work on this wound and it is exhausting, at times emotionally crippling. I understand why some women never heal this wound, I really do but to do it is a blessing to all when you can heal your mothers. Rather than wading through the mud of the pasts of many women for most of your life.

My own mother was adopted and on a soul level faced darkness before she was born into this current life time. Her mother also faced judgement & ridicule due to the circumstances she found herself in when she was pregnant with my mother in the early 1940’s, it then goes back further to Ireland. That wasn’t pleasant.

I explained much of this to Jane and I could see she understood what I was saying. Her mum spoke up and told Jane she was so sorry for the way she had behaved and the way she had treated Jane when she was a child. She was almost begging for forgiveness and I could feel how painful it was for her. Forgiveness is a big deal and some people are unable to forgive people from their past. That’s really ok. I was sure I would never forgive my mother but I did just that 5 years ago after working on it for many years. I completely let it go. I let her go. I was completely surprised at the sense of freedom I felt and am so glad I achieved it.

Jane now had a deeper understanding about the complexity of her situation. It wasn’t as cut and dried as she had thought. We were both exhausted so I started to wrap things up and I can honestly say Jane looked 10 years younger. I gave her a big hug and suggested she work through her emotions to try to find some forgiveness and understanding in her heart, both for herself and her mother. I had a lie down and fell asleep for a while as I was worn out. When I woke I started writing this down while it’s still fresh in my mind.

When we look at our mothers and our past with her remember there are generations behind her that we may not know anything about. Perhaps it would help to talk to her and ask her about her history, if she knows much about the women that came before her. We all carry parts of those women within us today and we owe it not only to ourselves but to those that came before us to try to forgive and heal ❤️❤️❤️

Past Lives. Healing the Mother Wound & Love…

I had a heartwarming and very emotional healing yesterday that took me by surprise.

For the last little while I have been very low energetically and felt like I was drowning, struggling to keep my head above water. I felt a deep sadness that was very hard to bear and felt I would be never get past it. There wasn’t one particular thing I could put my finger on that would make me feel this way. Yesterday it all became clear.

I was taken back to a past life in the year 1630 in provincial France. My mother was pregnant with me and her circumstances were difficult. She had no education, she was a simple farm girl, I say girl because she was 14 years old, my father was also 14yo. They found themselves in a situation where they were expecting a baby and the father decided he couldn’t take on that responsibility and ran away.

As the pregnancy progressed my mothers family accepted that this was the way it was and prepared as best they could. When it was close to the time for me to be born my mother started bleeding and for some reason, on her own walked down to the stream by the farmhouse where she lost consciousness, fell down on the edge of the stream and just after giving birth to me, passed away.

Her father found her there and when he realised she had already passed away he cut the cord that I was still joined to her with, placed me in some type of bag, weighed it down with stones from the stream &and threw the bag into the stream. At that point I was barely alive and my soul was still in my body. As the bag sunk I struggled for air and my soul struggled to free itself from my body. As I sunk further down under the cold water my soul at last broke free and crossed over straight away.

All the time I could see this playing out in my minds eye and I could see my beautiful mother as she passed away. My healer & I got very emotional and I felt a wave of love flow from my heart to my mother. She told me there was no forgiveness needed as nothing was done with malice or intent and it was all about the deep healing we all needed. She also told me she had been waiting for so long to heal this event from hundreds and hundreds of years ago. She was sending me deep gratitude for healing this and told me she was now free.

She had progressed to another dimension and told me she was going to help me from there in my future work. I visualised a star and she said she had now become a star and would introduce new abilities and assistance to me from that place. The amount of ancestral healing I have done in the last few years is amazing and to be honest I am completely exhausted.

Today I woke up feeling like a huge burden had been lifted from my being and I have done a massive release. I have also felt her around me as I have gone through my day. It’s such a feeling of love and relief at the same time, I can’t explain, I will be having star tattoo done while I am in Bali, for my beautiful French mother, Sarah ❤️

Death. Dying. And the Final Journey…

I am often asked what happens when people go through the process of dying & when we pass away. The following is some experiences I have had with this….

A couple of years ago I assisted a friends mother to go through the transition & it was an amazing experience. I could see her going back & forth between the worlds, like she was feeling her way. Fortunately she was not frightened in any way by what was happening which made it easier for me. I was very in tune with her & she kept giving me visions. I could see her family standing around her hospital bed! They had come to help her cross over. Rarely do souls cross over alone, there is always someone to guide them. If not a family member, a guide will come & help them. I was with her for 12 hours & could feel her getting closer. She passed away 6 hours after I left the hospital, my friend was still with her.

The process of dying can excruciating for the people that have nursed a sick person for some time or watched a loved one waste away but this time is necessary as we all have a part in the transition. It’s important for the person experiencing this as they need to go through stages of preparation to enter the spirit world. We standing by also move through stages of grief while being with the unwell person. Please know that they are always aware that you are there. I can’t tell you how many times spirits have told me what was going on before they passed over & when I pass on that info to their relatives it brings them great comfort.

This picture is exactly what happens & though upon first glance it is sad, for me I see so much love & acceptance. It is a time for forgiveness & making peace. A heartfelt time for all. Sometimes we need to release the sick person so they may cross over, they will try & hold on for us so we need to accept it is time for them to go. I did this with a friend 12 years ago, once I told her it was ok to let go she relaxed & passed away 2 hours later.

My experience with death started when I was very young. I trained as a Nurse in a ‘Home of Peace’, a hospice where terminally ill people came to die, I was 18 years old & terrified. That was until a Charge Nurse named Raelene made me sit with a man that had no family & was dying. She told me to help him, I had no idea what she meant at the time so I sat with him. I still remember his face clearly, how he was breathing & the odour as he transitioned. I sat in that semi dark room for hours & held his hand until he stopped breathing. I felt a strange calm come over me & I took a while before I went & told her that he was gone. I could feel he wasn’t there anymore but I didn’t understand why.

When all my abilities came to the fore I knew why I had spent the time I had with the dying & I knew I could help both the living, the dying & souls that had passed over. I love the work I do. It brings me much joy to connect people with their loved ones & I like having a joke with the cheeky peeps on the other side. I have the best job, I really do ❤️

Bali. The Father Wound. The Great Purge & New Horizons…

 

Rewind to February this year when I was guided by spirit to book a holiday on the tropical island of Bali. I had never planned to go there but was compelled to go into a travel agent & basically give them all my savings. I walked out of the agent with tickets & booking conformations in my hands & I still had no idea what it was all about.

As I walked down the ramp to board the Garuda flight in June I told spirit I didn’t understand why I was doing this & was promptly told ‘just get on the bloody plane’. I felt sick for the whole flight but as soon as I put my feet on Balinese soil all those doubts & feelings disappeared. Never could I have understood at that time the changes that 10 day visit would make to my life.

3 events in Bali have changed my life.

Number one was seeing the Balian (Traditional Healer). He knew of my greatest wound & told me I was to heal the great scar upon my heart so I could move on with my life. Until I did that, nothing would change. I knew exactly what he meant & knew it was going to be a big job.

Number two was the reading I had with a lady in Ubud. She told me I was to go home & heal my father wound (the great scar), a prospect that was daunting to say the least & a bit spooky as I had been told the same thing that very morning. I had no idea how to do this & she told me I would find the way. I was furious that I had to do this again. She also told me not to move or start anything new until I had healed that wound.

Number three was the purification ceremony & prayer that I did with my friend Made at Tirta Empul the day after my birthday. I released so much that day. I cleansed my soul & prayed for forgiveness & strength for what I was about to do.

Fast forward to September & my how things have changed.
Since the last Full Moon I have healed the father wound through the most unusual circumstances & today I gave notice to the real estate agents that I will be breaking my lease here in November. I have balanced the karma between my father & I, it’s time to move on. I will be in my new home by the end of this 9 year & can’t wait.

In between all of this my crazy neighbours have now become too much & I need to move. What happened last week was the final straw. The male was arrested after jumping the fence & going crazy in my back yard. He smashed up my stuff & was screaming like a maniac, completely out of control. He then jumped back over the fence & beat the hell out of his girlfriend. It was like a scene out of an episode of COPS, the only thing missing was the helicopter in the sky. People running amok, fighting in the street, the police sirens, it was all happening. Finally he was taken away & the girlfriend was told to stay away for 48hrs.

Unfortunately they are back together in the house but they are very quiet & I’m hoping it stays that way until I leave. We will see. I cannot stay here as its not safe for myself or my boys & I have a bad feeling about events that may come about in that house. I have 8 weeks to go.

I have released a great burden from my past & I now have a vision of the future. I look forward to new horizons & another trip to Bali ❤️ I’m going to have a chat to my spirit guides when I get back over to the other side & ask them to be more stern with my determined little soul lol. I’m learning enough big lessons to last me two lifetimes in this incarnation…