Looking back… Pain, Progress & Purpose…

A number of years ago life as I knew it began to unravel, slowly but surely. Looking back I can see how things fell away as they needed to in order for my life to be completely restructured. I had no concept of what was really happening as it took another 12 months for all the pieces to fall away, that and the fact that I was not living consciously at that time. By the end of that year I was on my knees.

I was unhappy in my job, though it was high paying corporate position that brought in good money and enabled me to have the things I thought I needed to make me happy and whole. I was desperately unhappy in the 9 year relationship I was in and I was unhappy with myself. I was not in a good place but I was very resistant to change, volatile and pissed off. Lets face it, I wasn’t a very nice person to be around. Blaming others for my problems and not taking  responsibility for myself or my actions was a well worn habit I had learned from my dysfunctional childhood that was full of emotional manipulation, aggression and alcohol fueled violence. I knew in my heart things needed to change but I did not have the tools to bring about those changes.  

Step in the Universe to collapse my life structure and change it completely within 24 hours! As the pieces fell away I was beside myself and was not coping with the situation at all. First my relationship finished, then I resigned from my job. After moving countries the restructuring of me begun in earnest. I was being remodeled from the ground up, inside and out. Little did I know my spiritual path and new life was just beginning. The way to the new me was being paved by the powers that be but I still could not see this. 

I was drawn to do courses and workshops about subjects I had no idea about but I just kept going and learning. I was starting to discover a deeper, more authentic side to the person I really was and I like it. The ‘spiritual’ side of me was emerging. The day I knew I had come home was when I attended my first Tarot class, that day was the first day of the rest of my life. Sitting in a room with people I had never met before and feeling like I was going to cry freaked me out. I didn’t understand the feelings I was experiencing but I stuck with it and it’s the best things I have ever done. The study centered me and gave me structure. I had only ever had one reading before that day but I embraces it fully and I fell in love with the cards. I had no aspirations to be a reader at that point, in fact I had no expectations of the course at all, I was just overjoyed to be there. 

When I finished learning the Tarot my teacher signed me up to do a psychic fair the following week and the rest is history. I have never looked back as I knew I had found my soul purpose and I have embraced it with open arms. I have now been reading professionally for 15 years and teaching for 10 years, it’s my life. It’s not what I do, it’s who I am. Though I have been doing this for so long I still get nervous before readings and hope and pray that spirit will step in and help me, they always do but I still worry sometimes. This work has empowered me and shown me my truth. It’s not an easy and glamorous life as many people think it is. It’s sometimes really tough, emotional, exhausting and heartbreaking.

When I look back at the long and winding road that has lead me to where I am now I feel sad for the old me but as she was so sad and broken. When I look in the mirror I still see her sometimes, she is very proud of me and encourages me all the time. I see her in my eyes and feel her in my heart. Yesterday I was having a chat to her while shedding a few tears and she told me she loved me and that I make a difference… that was all I needed to hear. 

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