The Moon. Sea of the Unconscious. Our Greatest Wound. Addiction and Soul Agreements…

In the Moon Tarot card there is a vast sea pictured in the foreground, this represents our unconscious. In its depths are all our memories, our past, our pain and our greatest wound. Way down at the bottom where the crayfish dwells is our ‘stuff’ which is usually tightly bound up in a box of our own making. It is a courageous person that willingly takes the journey down to into the murky depths to retrieve their ‘stuff’. It is essential that we go down to these depths and bring out that box so we can see it by the light of the Moon. If we don’t our ‘stuff’ will gain power & pop into our awareness at the most inconvenient times. It just doesn’t just go away, it must be dealt with.

For many, the fear of going down into the sea of the unconscious is more frightening than what  the box contains. Remembering the last time you brought the box out into the light, the emotions you experienced and the way you felt as you looked at those hurts. Recalling the pain and distress they caused you at the time and trying to reconcile them within yourself can be overwhelming. The path we must follow when we crawl out of the sea is the path of instinct and it indicates we must follow that path straight through the middle of the mountains, trusting ourselves and relying on our inner compass to take us to the next stage of our healing journey.

After becoming free of addiction a number of years ago I had a felt that there was a big blockage in my solar plexus but could not identify exactly what it was. I could feel a lump there and knew it was time to have some healing/insight to remove this block. So I booked myself in with a Shamanic Healer that came highly recommended. I knew it was going to hurt but I was ready to dive down into my vast inner sea once again.

As I was driving to the appointment I had a feeling that it was going to be a powerful healing experience for me. I have been healing my past for many years and now I was completely clean & sober I knew it was time for a big shift. He guy greeted me at the door and smudged me which I am very familiar with. We then went inside and sat in his sitting room where we had a chat. I spoke to him of my pain and my greatest wound which still remained unresolved in my unconsciousness and in my dreams. We then proceeded into his healing room.

As soon as I lay on the table I knew it was going to be a profound experience as I could feel the emotions stirring deep inside me. We spoke of many parts of my past, going right back into my childhood – visualizing and healing things along the way. Then we got to the big one, a past relationship that ended when I was 32 years old and one of my greatest wounds. This relationship with D lasted 9 years and I knew there was something different about it compared to all the others I had been in. As we worked through what happened and my feelings toward it the healer went quiet. When he started talking to me again he indicated to me that there was a soul agreement in place within the relationship and we were in fact soul mates.

The words that he spoke next provoked such a response from me which I never could have seen coming. He told me the following words were spoken between myself and D and these words were in our agreement “We will always be together, I will never leave you”. At that point I felt such an all encompassing sadness that words cannot describe, a primordial sound welled up from the depths of me and came out as a cry/sob/heart wrenching pain, I started sobbing uncontrollably. My soul recognised those words and remembered our agreement along with the pain I had gone through 18 years ago. It took me some time to cry this out and to regain my composure (if that’s what you can call it). I continued to cry/sob for 5 days afterwards.

Since that day I have come to some resolve within myself and to understand more about myself and my past through that healing. Now when I look back it is like I am seeing someone I knew really well, rather than myself. I have great compassion for that woman and understand the grief she carried for so long.I have had a lot more shamanic healing since that day and have made great progress. It has made such a difference in my life that I have decided to study shamanic healing myself. 

I am so relieved I no longer fear my inner world and to feel my emotions, the drugs put paid to all of that for a long time as I medicated myself against feeling anything at all. As I am experiencing my Chiron Return it is extremely appropriate that I was ready for this healing experience and I would like to think my load is now lighter, although things can also be deceptive by the light of the Moon…

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Looking back… Pain, Progress & Purpose…

A number of years ago life as I knew it began to unravel, slowly but surely. Looking back I can see how things fell away as they needed to in order for my life to be completely restructured. I had no concept of what was really happening as it took another 12 months for all the pieces to fall away, that and the fact that I was not living consciously at that time. By the end of that year I was on my knees.

I was unhappy in my job, though it was high paying corporate position that brought in good money and enabled me to have the things I thought I needed to make me happy and whole. I was desperately unhappy in the 9 year relationship I was in and I was unhappy with myself. I was not in a good place but I was very resistant to change, volatile and pissed off. Lets face it, I wasn’t a very nice person to be around. Blaming others for my problems and not taking  responsibility for myself or my actions was a well worn habit I had learned from my dysfunctional childhood that was full of emotional manipulation, aggression and alcohol fueled violence. I knew in my heart things needed to change but I did not have the tools to bring about those changes.  

Step in the Universe to collapse my life structure and change it completely within 24 hours! As the pieces fell away I was beside myself and was not coping with the situation at all. First my relationship finished, then I resigned from my job. After moving countries the restructuring of me begun in earnest. I was being remodeled from the ground up, inside and out. Little did I know my spiritual path and new life was just beginning. The way to the new me was being paved by the powers that be but I still could not see this. 

I was drawn to do courses and workshops about subjects I had no idea about but I just kept going and learning. I was starting to discover a deeper, more authentic side to the person I really was and I like it. The ‘spiritual’ side of me was emerging. The day I knew I had come home was when I attended my first Tarot class, that day was the first day of the rest of my life. Sitting in a room with people I had never met before and feeling like I was going to cry freaked me out. I didn’t understand the feelings I was experiencing but I stuck with it and it’s the best things I have ever done. The study centered me and gave me structure. I had only ever had one reading before that day but I embraces it fully and I fell in love with the cards. I had no aspirations to be a reader at that point, in fact I had no expectations of the course at all, I was just overjoyed to be there. 

When I finished learning the Tarot my teacher signed me up to do a psychic fair the following week and the rest is history. I have never looked back as I knew I had found my soul purpose and I have embraced it with open arms. I have now been reading professionally for 15 years and teaching for 10 years, it’s my life. It’s not what I do, it’s who I am. Though I have been doing this for so long I still get nervous before readings and hope and pray that spirit will step in and help me, they always do but I still worry sometimes. This work has empowered me and shown me my truth. It’s not an easy and glamorous life as many people think it is. It’s sometimes really tough, emotional, exhausting and heartbreaking.

When I look back at the long and winding road that has lead me to where I am now I feel sad for the old me but as she was so sad and broken. When I look in the mirror I still see her sometimes, she is very proud of me and encourages me all the time. I see her in my eyes and feel her in my heart. Yesterday I was having a chat to her while shedding a few tears and she told me she loved me and that I make a difference… that was all I needed to hear. 

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Culture, Chaos, Communism & Cash…

23 years ago my BF (at the time) and I flew out of Russia after one of the craziest times of my life. We had spent 6 months living in Moscow & working in a Casino in the city, Casino Gabriela. We worked all kinds of crazy hours and had to walk past Red Square every day to get to work. The casino was run by the Mafia of course and was one of the dodgiest places I ever worked, besides on cruise ships for the Indo’s but that’s a story for another day.

I loved living in suburban Moscow,  absorbing the culture and architecture of such an old city. Russia was extremely dangerous in the early 90’s and us westerners stood out due to the way we dressed and the shoes we wore, Doc Martins were the boot of choice in the early 90’s. On our days off we would jump on the train and go to all sorts of places & just walk around, go to markets, posh hotels and go to bars (a lot). Carlsberg was the beer of choice.

To say it was a culture shock is putting it mildly. We rocked up less than a year after communism fell so the place was in a mess and living was hard. People didn’t know what to do in a democracy as they had always been told where they would live, work and what they could and couldn’t do. The older people really struggled as they had never known any other way. It broke my heart seeing them selling the treasure just to try and get by. There were empty plinths where statues of Stalin, Lenin and other heroes used to stand & beautiful buildings that were crumbling onto the sidewalks so we always walked on the roads.

You could buy an AK 47 at the markets but you couldn’t buy decent vegetables unless you went to the dollar supermarkets ($US). We had to be careful about food due to the Chernobyl meltdown 6 years previous. For a couple of months we only had 2 light bulbs in our little flat and we had to carry them from room to room so we had light. To buy bread you had to line up and pay for it then get back in another line to choose the bread you wanted. If you missed out on fresh bread you had no choice but to take the days before that had been soaked in vinegar to keep it fresh. The Russian food was horrible so we would eat at the posh hotels.

Work was really dangerous as security was poor and the boss, Alex was an angry man as he’d been kneecapped not once but twice by the Mafia bosses for not doing as he was told. You could hear his aluminium canes clicking around the place as he shuffled around shouting at everyone. The punters were crazy, especially the Georgian Mafia, they just didn’t care. One of then held a knife to my boyfriends throat coz he didn’t spin his number on roulette. Though we were employed as supervisors we used to deal mad games of roulette with tens thousands of dollars worth of bets on the table. I was a gun roulette dealer back in the day!

Things started to get crazy when it began to get cold. A Russian winter is not kind and the government decided to hold off turning the heating on so we were dealing with getting up in zero temps only to find the water in the toilet had frozen. We had to boil pots of water on the stove to have a wash in the morning. It was miserable and I remember how much my teeth used to hurt from the cold while walking to the Metro station to get to work. I’ll never forget the babushkas kicking lumps in the snow, they knew it was their husbands that were passed out sleeping from the night before and they would be out giving them hell early in the morning to wake up and go to work. The home made vodka was lethal. I they called it smagon, it was brewed in the bath from potato peels. I only had it once and that was enough 😳

The beginning of the end was when my boyfriend got mugged one day as he was walking home after going to the local shops, he wouldn’t let me go out by myself after that as it was not safe. Then 2 weeks later I got hassled in the street by some gangsters so he pulled a gun on them and we got into a scuffle with them. As it was happening the Police pulled up and he was subsequently arrested and forced into a police car then taken to Alexander Pushkin Police Station and thrown in the lock up. That was absolutely terrifying for me as they pushed me to the ground and got hold of him, fortunately I had picked up some of the language so was screaming at them who we worked for and they told me to send Alex up there. Thankfully the boss went up and bailed him out the next day. I never asked for details but was overjoyed that he came out unscathed, a miracle in itself.

One week later we flew out as he refused to stay there any longer. I was sad to go but also relieved and we both literally kissed the tarmac at Heathrow when we landed back in England. We lived and worked in England for a while and regained our composure before we flew back to Perth via Thailand. We spent 3 months wandering around from Chiang Mai to Ko Phangan thanks to the money we had smuggled out of Russia in our Doc Marten boots.

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Lalita Devi
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Today I start a new diet. A Facebook diet.
I am wasting far too much time messing about scrolling etc. so am limiting myself to 6 posts a day & 15 min periods of FB time.
I am going to devote my time to my new blog & writing up course work for the new intake in February.

Later 😉