This is difficult for me to write, difficult as I still feel a little raw but I need to share my experiences with those who read this, at this time or in the future.
I am no stranger to the darkness, I have always been aware of a shadow that I carried, though I did not know what it was called. It was a part of me. The years went by and I always knew there was a cruel and bitter side of me that didn’t feel right, it was harsh and extremely critical, mostly towards myself. It made me very uncomfortable about trusting people and the world in general, really. This came about as my own mother is ‘The Death Mother’.
In June 2020, Death Mother came to my door.
It was time to get down and dirty. Having internalised her at a young age, I was up against it and I just knew it was time to make a stand. Spirit told kept telling me ‘you have to make a stand’ and I did. Just a few months into the process I was feeling completely out of control when I came across a book, one that turned my world upside down and changed everything. Just days into reading it I called my friend and told her I finally knew what the fuck had been happening to me, my whole life.
Time to confront the mother who had shaped me to her own image of me, as best she could. Over the years it was all about her. She was a bully, cruel, controlling and though I was very young, I knew she was two kinds of crazy. Fucking bitch betrayed, lied and backstabbed me so many times. She tried to make me think I was crazy, and get me committed. She was always telling me that I didn’t know what I was doing and that men were bastards and life’s a bitch, so don’t trust those fuckers either!
Two weeks ago she threw her hat into the ring, and I followed suit. I thought to myself ‘OK Sista, it’s time for a showdown’. She was more than happy to step up! And last week it was time to get it sorted.
She took me down the the depths of my soul, to where my inner child was screaming in fear and pain, she was terrified of DM and down she went. I pulled back from everything and everyone, I completely immersed myself in the process.
When I woke I knew it was all happening. I reached out to a friend who understood exactly what I was experiencing. She kindly showed me markers on the road and this gave me a direction to focus my energy towards. We duked it out all day and I was really getting a ‘feeling’ of her. That night in the shower I told it was time for her to go, I was done. I was so done! As I visualised her in front of me, I reached out and could see all the scars from snake bites, from Medusa’s head on my forearms, I could see them around and through my tattoos. I started wailing and gave her a bit of ‘Fuck you, you have NO power over me anymore’.
I went to bed.
As soon as I opened my eyes in the morning, I had a feeling of anxiety and dread. Yep, the showdown would be today. So I did what I had to do in the morning, came home and got organised. I smoked a joint and lay down on the couch. I started to calm down immediately (MJ will do that) 😉 I then told DM it was time for her go and the screeching thing started again.
‘Fuck you, you have no power over me anymore. You’re gone, you are no longer a part of me. I cast you out,I release you. Get out of me and return from whence you came. I release you’! I then grabbed a pillow and got comfortable, every time I closed my eyes I could see like short film clips of all different people and different scenarios. I kept trying to open my eyes but the lids were so heavy, and the last time I looked at the clock was 12.30pm.
At 2.30pm, I came to, after receiving some heavy duty spiritual downloads and I knew she was gone. I could feel the lightness in my sacral chakra upon opening my eyes. And I was ravenously hungry, more hungry than I’d been since this process started. I ate until I was full, had a long hot shower and went to bed. When I woke up later, I again felt that lightness within me and I got a little excited.
All good, the lightness is increasing and I can feel energy returning to my sacral chakra. I’m completely exhausted and spend the day in bed, but I’m able to laugh and have a spring in my step. I have exorcised a part of me that never belonged and that’s exactly what it feels like, I did an exorcism on myself!!!
My body is weak but my heart is strong, again I’m laughing and feeling hopeful. I need to rest a lot to recover from this. I’m loving the lightness I feel, it’s such a blessing.
This DM process is up there with the hardest things I’ve ever gone though. She was trying to kill me, make no mistake. Through my experience with the strength of this Archetype, I can see how it may succeed in taking you down. It’s that powerful!
Big Love and Gratitude to Gohar ♥️
February 15th 2020
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