I find myself approaching the end of a very long and painful journey. The Death Mother is now in my rear view mirror, I can physically feel her behind me now.
The past year has been the most intense year of my life. So much happened, so many challenges were presented to me. At first I wasn’t coping with them at all, understanding and accepting that this powerful archetype was in fact the root of most of my issues, took my legs from under me. It crippled me for a time. And brought the rest of my life to a stand still.
Interestingly, I did half of this process at the old house, and half in the new one. I hoped when I moved to Number 9 that the process would be easier, how wrong I was. It only intensified, and the first three months here were hell. What I experienced scared me and I thought I was finally losing my mind. I found the strength to make a stand, look DM in the face and I invited her in to the ring. Shit got very real then.
I was fighting for my sanity, and at times, it felt like, my life. And I did it alone. That’s the thing with the deep transformations, you must do it alone. Looking back I don’t know how I did it, and much of the six months I’ve been here is a blur. The burden has been lifted, I am the light again and my life is gaining forward motion. I am beyond exhausted. It will take time for me to regain my strength after a year long battle.
What I have learned about myself, shadow work and my soul purpose has advanced me on my spiritual path at a great pace. I am transformed and have gained a deep wisdom that I use for myself, and to guide others who will have sessions with me in the future. It will take time to integrate all I have experienced as my life progresses. On the weekend, I will do ritual to release the last of this experience and give thanks for where it has brought me to.
This is difficult for me to write, difficult as I still feel a little raw but I need to share my experiences with those who read this, at this time or in the future.
I am no stranger to the darkness, I have always been aware of a shadow that I carried, though I did not know what it was called. It was a part of me. The years went by and I always knew there was a cruel and bitter side of me that didn’t feel right, it was harsh and extremely critical, mostly towards myself. It made me very uncomfortable about trusting people and the world in general, really. This came about as my own mother is ‘The Death Mother’.
In June 2020, Death Mother came to my door.
It was time to get down and dirty. Having internalised her at a young age, I was up against it and I just knew it was time to make a stand. Spirit told kept telling me ‘you have to make a stand’ and I did. Just a few months into the process I was feeling completely out of control when I came across a book, one that turned my world upside down and changed everything. Just days into reading it I called my friend and told her I finally knew what the fuck had been happening to me, my whole life.
Time to confront the mother who had shaped me to her own image of me, as best she could. Over the years it was all about her. She was a bully, cruel, controlling and though I was very young, I knew she was two kinds of crazy. Fucking bitch betrayed, lied and backstabbed me so many times. She tried to make me think I was crazy, and get me committed. She was always telling me that I didn’t know what I was doing and that men were bastards and life’s a bitch, so don’t trust those fuckers either!
Two weeks ago she threw her hat into the ring, and I followed suit. I thought to myself ‘OK Sista, it’s time for a showdown’. She was more than happy to step up! And last week it was time to get it sorted.
Thursday. She took me down the the depths of my soul, to where my inner child was screaming in fear and pain, she was terrified of DM and down she went. I pulled back from everything and everyone, I completely immersed myself in the process.
Friday. When I woke I knew it was all happening. I reached out to a friend who understood exactly what I was experiencing. She kindly showed me markers on the road and this gave me a direction to focus my energy towards. We duked it out all day and I was really getting a ‘feeling’ of her. That night in the shower I told it was time for her to go, I was done. I was so done! As I visualised her in front of me, I reached out and could see all the scars from snake bites, from Medusa’s head on my forearms, I could see them around and through my tattoos. I started wailing and gave her a bit of ‘Fuck you, you have NO power over me anymore’. I went to bed.
Saturday. As soon as I opened my eyes in the morning, I had a feeling of anxiety and dread. Yep, the showdown would be today. So I did what I had to do in the morning, came home and got organised. I smoked a joint and lay down on the couch. I started to calm down immediately (MJ will do that) 😉 I then told DM it was time for her go and the screeching thing started again.
‘Fuck you, you have no power over me anymore. You’re gone, you are no longer a part of me. I cast you out,I release you. Get out of me and return from whence you came. I release you’! I then grabbed a pillow and got comfortable, every time I closed my eyes I could see like short film clips of all different people and different scenarios. I kept trying to open my eyes but the lids were so heavy, and the last time I looked at the clock was 12.30pm.
At 2.30pm, I came to, after receiving some heavy duty spiritual downloads and I knew she was gone. I could feel the lightness in my sacral chakra upon opening my eyes. And I was ravenously hungry, more hungry than I’d been since this process started. I ate until I was full, had a long hot shower and went to bed. When I woke up later, I again felt that lightness within me and I got a little excited.
Sunday. All good, the lightness is increasing and I can feel energy returning to my sacral chakra. I’m completely exhausted and spend the day in bed, but I’m able to laugh and have a spring in my step. I have exorcised a part of me that never belonged and that’s exactly what it feels like, I did an exorcism on myself!!!
Monday. My body is weak but my heart is strong, again I’m laughing and feeling hopeful. I need to rest a lot to recover from this. I’m loving the lightness I feel, it’s such a blessing.
This DM process is up there with the hardest things I’ve ever gone though. She was trying to kill me, make no mistake. Through my experience with the strength of this Archetype, I can see how it may succeed in taking you down. It’s that powerful!
Hallways aka ‘The Upside Down’ may occur at regular intervals in our lives, some people get hammered with hallways, they understand that they must enter the period of darkness, of the unknown and of the glorious rebirth. Others wander around and do everything they possibly can, to not enter the dreaded hallway.
But enter we must…
A dramatic event will almost guarantee a free ticket to the journey through the hallway. No money need exchange hands here, this trips on the house. All costs are covered. The hallway is a shedding of our skin, a surrender, being able to move through something that changes us, and commiting to the process that is required, to bring about transformation. Time does not have any meaning in the hallway, it’s not meant to. The hallway is not about the world, it is about the soul. In that sacred space of the unknown, we find our heart, our strength and our soul.
We will stumble and we will fall in the hallway, make no mistake. The hallway is not lit. Our knees will be grazed and our hands caked with rich, dark soil. That soil is what we have planted our new beginnings in, we’ve had to trust that planting those seeds will bring fruitfulness to our lives, when we emerge from the hallway. At times we will reach out to others but they cannot really help us in the hallway, they can throw in food and water, along with some much needed love, but they cannot take the journey with us.
We can never know how long we will stay in the hallway for, it will be as long as we need to go through that particular process. It will be distressing but enlightening at the same time. It will be emotionally and psychologically painful, that pain is the breaking of our shell. A shell we have built up around ourselves, often due to challenging events we have experienced in the past. It’s best to dive as deep as we are able to, into the depths of ourselves and pull out something to process. That’s kinda the point really!
Once we have spent time feeling (not thinking) our way through the hallway, we will emerge, reborn, free of some shackles of the past. Our light will be shining brightly, so brightly that it will attract others whose light is like ours,or someone who needs a little of your light. The thing is, our light is meant to be shared. Shared as much as possible because you created that light in the hallway, you did it all by yourself, GO YOU! And you can share that with someone who needs it, if that’s not a beautiful thing, I don’t know what is?
So… the next time the hallway presents itself to you.
Know that you have got what it takes to get through the hallway, to make that dark journey. Everything you need for the journey is already within you. You only need remember where the ancient secrets lie within you. At some point you may come across a part of a map, this will not help you, it is a remnant of your previous journey. Instead, light it up and allow the light to take you forward, allow a glimmer of hope to settle in your heart. And keep moving forward. Your seeds will have blossomed when you open the door, to the next exciting adventure on your souls journey. When you emerge and feel the sun on your back, you will gather up those beautiful blooms and keep going.
If you knew that the dark didn’t always represent evil or malice
would you be less afraid?
When I was a child I was terrified, absolutely terrified of the dark, mainly because I felt the lacking of my ‘sight’. Even without sight though, I could still feel things so easily. Things other couldn’t. Was it may imagination or my intuition, I was too young to know or even question. I just reacted. Usually by protecting my back in some way, as it always seemed to come from behind me, the fear that is…running up my spine
I had a reoccurring dream over quite a few years where I would be walking in the moonlight through a gate at night into the garden of someones house. There was no one to be seen, but a deep sense of foreboding fear was acute. The quiet of the night even under a blue…
I did a much anticipated reading for one of my Facebook friends in Florida this morning and it was out of this world. Straight off the bat the information came thick and fast, so much past life stuff that included so many souls. I don’t consider myself a past life reader but this session may have changed that view! The connections were amazing and I got a little confused at one stage lol coz there was so much going on. I had two special young men in spirit that were in my work room, goofing around and throwing a baseball to each other, catching it in their mitts and having a great time. They were so happy to be getting their messages through to my friend, Tracey and her daughter Sam. These boys had so much love in their hearts and souls and I loved the gratitude they were directing at me for being the person to bring all of them together, even though it was for a short time, it was profound and very, very healing. One of the boys had been murdered 10 years ago and the other only lived a short time after birth, old souls…
A lot of questions were answered and the ladies were able to put many things into place and understand the complexity of situations that could not be understood on face value. I loved speaking with Sam as she is an old soul and a smart kid to boot. I didn’t realise she was in the room till about half way through the reading. I gave them very clear guidance about moving forward and suggested to do a big smudge and cleanse on themselves and the house. Tracey was crying so I knew I’d done a good job lol and at the end of the reading she thanked me about 17 times and told me that she loved me ❤️
When she told me that I got all warm and fuzzy and those words from the heart just confirmed why I do what I do. I am so blessed that I can help others in such a profound way and I am grateful every day. Big ups to my Guides and to Justin and Matthew for giving me a hand. 🙏🙏
Hallways aka ‘The Upside Down’ may occur at regular intervals in our lives, some people get hammered with hallways, they understand that they must enter the period of darkness, of the unknown and of the glorious rebirth. Others wander around and do everything they possibly can, to not enter the dreaded hallway.
But enter we must…
A dramatic event will almost guarantee a free ticket to the journey through the hallway. No money need exchange hands here, this trips on the house. All costs are covered. The hallway is a shedding of our skin, a surrender, being able to move through something that changes us, and commiting to the process that is required, to bring about transformation. Time does not have any meaning in the hallway, it’s not meant to. The hallway is not about the world, it is about the soul. In that sacred space of the unknown, we find our heart, our strength and our soul.
We will stumble and we will fall in the hallway, make no mistake. The hallway is not lit. Our knees will be grazed and our hands caked with rich, dark soil. That soil is what we have planted our new beginnings in, we’ve had to trust that planting those seeds will bring fruitfulness to our lives, when we emerge from the hallway. At times we will reach out to others but they cannot really help us in the hallway, they can throw in food and water, along with some much needed love, but they cannot take the journey with us.
We can never know how long we will stay in the hallway for, it will be as long as we need to go through that particular process. It will be distressing but enlightening at the same time. It will be emotionally and psychologically painful, that pain is the breaking of our shell. A shell we have built up around ourselves, often due to challenging events we have experienced in the past. It’s best to dive as deep as we are able to, into the depths of ourselves and pull out something to process. That’s kinda the point really!
Once we have spent time feeling (not thinking) our way through the hallway, we will emerge, reborn, free of some shackles of the past. Our light will be shining brightly, so brightly that it will attract others whose light is like ours,or someone who needs a little of your light. The thing is, our light is meant to be shared. Shared as much as possible because you created that light in the hallway, you did it all by yourself, GO YOU! And you can share that with someone who needs it, if that’s not a beautiful thing, I don’t know what is?
So… the next time the hallway presents itself to you.
Know that you have got what it takes to get through the hallway, to make that dark journey. Everything you need for the journey is already within you. You only need remember where the ancient secrets lie within you. At some point you may come across a part of a map, this will not help you, it is a remnant of your previous journey. Instead, light it up and allow the light to take you forward, allow a glimmer of hope to settle in your heart. And keep moving forward. Your seeds will have blossomed when you open the door, to the next exciting adventure on your souls journey. When you emerge and feel the sun on your back, you will gather up those beautiful blooms and keep going.
A couple of years ago I had a Past Life Regression that was nothing short of profound. It happened at a time in my life when I was questioning many of my relationships, past and present and it helped me to make sense of a lot of things.
In the first life I was taken back to the early 1700’s where I was a medicine woman/shaman in a Lakota Sioux tribe. I was a powerful and greatly respected healer within the tribe that I was a part of. Like this current life I had not married or had children rather I focused on gaining wisdom and healing. I performed many rituals and was able to help women in childbirth as well as heal wounds, cure people & look after the children. It was not an easy life but I was happy… until I became ill and struggled to become healthy again, as I have in this life. Unfortunately I became progressively sicker & was unable to help my tribe, instead they were having to look after me. The winter that year was harsh and I could not heal myself so was becoming a burden. I was cast out as I was very unwell & left to fend for myself. I wandered for a few days through the snow and cold until I found a cave to take shelter in but died not long after that.
In the next life I went back to I was a small child in medieval England, around 1430. I was a little girl around 7 years old. My grandma was taking care of me in that life where we lived on a farm and were very poor. I knew my mother was around as I could feel her but she was not my caretaker, again similar to this life. My grandma in that life was my paternal gran in this life, she passed away in 1982. We had a very good relationship and she cared for me like I was her own. I’m not sure why my mother was not present in that life but it made sense to me. I remember looking down at the clothes and shoes I was wearing and knowing this life was also tough. I had a peasants dress and sort of cloth shoes on my feet. We were out in a field and I could see hay and crops around me and grandma was picking veggies to cook as there was no meat, we needed the cows for milk etc. My paternal grandparents in this life were from a long line of dairy farmers from Buckinghamshire of Irish descent. Though we were poor I knew I was loved and I felt very secure in that love. Something I have not had in this life.
I went back much further in the third life, to the 5th century where I was male roman soldier. This life was extremely chaotic and I found the energy of it very unsettling. I was in an army of more than a thousand men and could see my brother as well as a close childhood friend from my present life also in the ranks of that army. We were being told what we had to do by the General who was a very powerful man. He was standing on a building above us telling us we had to go and kill as many of the opposing army as we could or we would be killed, the general was my father in this life. This made me feel sick as I did not want to go and kill anyone. I was a peaceful man and wanted to live a simple life but had been forced into this position against my will. I knew I had a family but there was no time to think about them as I was trying to keep myself alive. By this time I was becoming very tired and distressed at how emotional I felt so asked to stop the regression.
It took me a while to process all the similarities of those lives compared to my current life and it helped me to make some decisions that changed my life for the better. Events from those three lives have or are playing out in my life now. Regressions are so interesting and if they help you put the pieces of your current life together it can only be a good thing. One day I will have another regression and I look forward to it…
I’ve been having some really intense dreams for the past 3 months, since I burned my hand. Last night was no different though the subject of my dream was. I’ve had been dreaming about my estranged brother and sister a lot but last night I dreamt about a large apartment on the third floor.
I was really angry in the dream as there was shit lying around everywhere, old shit that I didn’t want anymore and other people’s shit! I went from room to room picking up stuff and throwing it out the windows, what didn’t go out the windows I threw off the balcony! There were vibrations of betrayal and deceit in different rooms and that pissed me off even more!
There was a man and a woman together in bed in one room and seeing that made me completely lose my shit. I was screaming at them, telling the to get the fuck outta my house and not come back, that they had no place being there. I knew I had loved the man in the past but was sickened by him in the dream. I could not believe the woman would betray me in such a way but she was not just one woman, there were many women inside her skin, women that had hurt me in the past.
The dream seemed to go on for so long. I had a lot of shit to sort out and I wasn’t stopping until it was done. I finally got enough stuff and emotion out of the apartment that I could close the windows again, that made me happy. I then went back to the kitchen and got all of the appliance and threw those out the door, I slammed that door so hard to be sure it was closed. Then I woke up…
