I grew up in Sydney, Australia. My childhood was unstable, unpredictable and terrifying.
I made the decision just over 20 years ago that I wanted nothing to do with my family so I told them they were no longer my blood, I wanted nothing to do with them and to never contact me again. I had no choice, it was an act of self preservation.
I grew up amid dysfunction, domestic violence, addiction and neglect. My father was a violent, angry drunk that beat my mother weekly for at least 20 years that I know of (I escaped the first time when I was 18 years old when I moved to another city 100 kms away from my home town). I lived in survival mode the whole time I was in the family home, trying to keep myself and my siblings out of harms way. My father never hit us but my mother did. She would hit us with all manner of things as well as slap your face, repeatedly, I hated that! I believe she has an undiagnosed mental illness as she was emotionally unstable, cruel, manipulative, spiteful and she used to make up stories about her life and other things that were not true. She lied to me about her side of the family and I only found out the truth when my family found me 3 years ago. I could not believe they found me after so long and that brought on the biggest trigger of my life so far, I have had two other major triggers as well.
When I was 14 years old I was badly burnt in a house fire in the family home, my father was also involved but I received 2nd and 3rd degree burns to 35% of my body, I was hospitalised for 3 months and I thought I was going to die. When I came out of hospital my parents shipped me off to my favourite Auntie’s house as I needed round the clock care, wound dressings, Pain Management etc. Thank the Goddess they did send me to her, I had some respite for a couple of months, away from the chaos, I could relax! I stayed with her until till I could walk again then it was back to the hell hole at number 27. The fire incident and my subsequent injuries had ramped up the craziness and violence at home as my parents blamed each other. I struggled to catch up with school and only did the minimum requirement before I left school at 16 as I could not focus on study due to what was going on at home. I also started using drugs around this time.
When I finally got away at 18 I became a Nurse. I had a great time doing that job. My parents were still too close for comfort so I decided to sell everything I owned and move to the other side of the country (Perth). My parents forbid me to do it so I did it anyway! I could finally breath, at last. I started a new life and a new career as a Croupier. About a year after I arrived in W.A. I found out I was pregnant, it had happened during a one night stand. I was drinking, taking drugs and being promiscuous so didn’t realise until I was 11 weeks. I had a termination the week after I found out and just got on with my life, I didn’t feel good about what I had to do but knew I could not bring up a child at that point in my life. I was 24 years old.
Two months later I met my soul mate and the man I would spend the next 10 years with. We travelled the world working in different casinos from Perth to Malaysia, to Moscow and in between. We did love each other in a dysfunctional kind of way, we looked out for each other during our travels but eventually grew apart so we separated, the decision was mutual. We took a lot of drugs together, did extremely risky and dangerous things, almost got arrested in Bangkok with heroin and just got out of that nightmare by the skin of our teeth. After we split up I came back to Australia, heartbroken and a total mess. My parents asked me to come home so they could look after me, in my despair I agreed. They did an absolute number on me which pushed me to almost take my life. In 6 weeks I lost my 10 year relationship, my 12 year career and my whole family. I was crippled with grief and alone.
This sent me into a downward spiral that I’m lucky to have survived. I pawned some stuff and got on a bus to Perth, I was determined to get back here for some reason. When I arrived I caught up with some people I used to know, got a job in a bar, rented a room in a share house and went on a 3 year drug binge. I also became a drug dealer to feed my habit and got into some circles that were not good. I had a lot of bad people around me, dark energy and violence. It got to a stage where I was so out of control my friends tried to do an intervention but I was having none of it. What woke me up was being threatened with physical violence for an unpaid drug debt. That got my attention! I stood back & had a look at my life, started to cut down the amount of drugs I was taking and 3 months later I had stopped using. I packed all my possessions in my little car and drove away from that life while my housemates were at work, nobody knew where I had gone. I had to start a new life all on my own!
A week after I got away I went to a GP and told her I needed help as I was drug fucked and that I needed help. I told her I had gone cold turkey off more than one street drug and I was kinda freaking out. All the crazy memories from my past came back in a blinding flash and I was completely overwhelmed. She got me in as an outpatient at a rehab clinic near where I was living, so I went there weekly for the next year. I detoxed quickly but still had to wee in a cup while someone watched me for 6 months, that was both humiliating and a humbling experience. I was medicated as well as seeing a psychologist a psychiatrist weekly. The clinic saved my life.
Just 4 short months later I would step onto my spiritual path with gusto. I found my way to the door of the woman that would teach, guide and nurture me for the next 4 years. I studied Tarot, Psychic Development and Astrology for 4 years, these fascinating subjects gave me a focus and opened up the abilities I had kept hidden for so many years. I knew I had found my calling and have been working as a professional Medium for the past 17 years. I have never taken drugs again, I have not had a drink for almost 10 years and I quit smoking 4.5 years ago.
Fast forward to September 2016 when my neighbour who was on methamphetamine and drunk went crazy, jumped my back fence, smashed up all my stuff and threatened to kill me. Hello PTSD, there you are! I completely lost it and was in the foetal position on the floor having a full blown panic attack, experiencing flashbacks and feeling like I was 8 years old again in the family home. The police came and arrested him & took him to jail. I moved out of there a few weeks later. When I was settled in my new house I went to my new GP and told her what had been going on. She referrred me to a Psychologist that I had 15 sessions with over 10 months. The psychologist diagnosed me with Complex Trauma & Major Depressive Disorder. In April of 2017 I fell back into the darkness. I spiraled down into the pit of despair and went through a truly awful dark night of the soul. I became suicidal again and could not see my way clear. I was overwhelmed, terrified and barely able to function.
My best friend could see I was not in a good place in September and took me to the Doctor. Dr Michelle referred me to the mental health unit in my area. I was given a case worker that called me every day and had to see a very caring and funny Psychiatrist every 2 weeks, he also put me on another medication. That medication saved my life and within 2 weeks I was out of the darkness and the depression was all but gone, the anxiety halved. I have now been on those meds for 5 months and I feel great! I also had a psychiatric assessment and was diagnosed with MDD, PTSD and BPD. I have also resumed shamanic healing with a wonderful woman I have been working with for the past 3 years. I have found that healing very beneficial as it works on the soul level and I trust the practicioner completely. I have done 20 sessions with her over 3 years. Through the recent dark night of the soul and soul retrieval I have come to a deeper understanding of the complexity of my past.
I am managing much better now and am so grateful. I started Dialectical Behaviour Therapy in January and feel very positive about it. I have read just about every book about complex trauma, BPD and PTSD just to try and understand it. I now have clients coming to me with the same mental illnesses and I find myself helping and guiding them through the minefield that is trauma. All of this thanks to my own experiences. I feel I have almost come full circle and I know I will be helping people in that capacity in the future. I’m determined to heal as much as I can and I now look forward to the future.
This will be the last post I write about my past as the only way for me now is forward. All those events shaped me and my life and I am grateful for all those experiences. I am now able to sit with them without them hurting me. My heart is singing with the knowledge that I have done something I thought I would never be able to do, I have overcome my past! What happened is ok, it doesn’t matter anymore, all that matters is Love ❤️