I certainly chose an interesting life path this time round & my 53 years on this planet have been amazing! I am only now really coming to understand the how’s and why’s as to how I got to where I am today. My childhood was rough and still impacts me to this day but I know I would not be who I am without having experienced overwhelming fear along with neglect as well as mental, physical and emotional abuse. I have worked long and hard to get to this place. At times it has been unbearable and I have considered taking my own life more than once. I have had three exit points in my life where I could have chosen to end this life but a tiny spark of light always kept me going, thankfully. I have overcome the self destructiveness that took me down a long and painful road of drug and alcohol addiction, I almost lost myself there and it frightens me today when I look back at the time I was in the depths of addiction, living a dangerous and out of control life. I have done years of therapy with different therapists, done many types of healing just to keep myself going and to stop me from losing my shit again.
This year has been extremely challenging as I fell into what I call the pit of despair, a deep, dark depression that I could not get myself out of. I now know along with Complex Trauma I also have MDD – Major Depressive Disorder and I have suffered through bouts of depression since I was a child but nothing like I experienced this year. I was in the darkness for 7 months. I could barely function, I couldn’t work enough to support myself and I could feel myself losing the tenuous grip I had on life. Every morning when I woke up I was so disappointed as I knew I had to face another day of despair and not wanting to be here. I didn’t want to go anywhere or talk to anyone. If I didn’t have my beautiful boys, Fergus and Fernando things would have been very grim. I had to get up and look after them. Those eight little legs gave me a reason. Most days I would get up and let them out, give them their breakfast and go back to bed. Fergus would then come in and sleep on the bed next to me until I finally got up. He knew I wasn’t ok. I always took them for a walk, hoping I wouldn’t see anyone so I didn’t have to talk to them as I knew they would see in my eyes that I wasn’t well. Some days I cried the whole time I was walking them, I cried for hours and I couldn’t stop. I was in so much pain that it invaded my whole being. Every part of me hurt, all the time.
During those 7 months I had a guardian angel that called me almost every day, she checked on me, brought me food, she brought me flowers, she put money on the kitchen counter so I could survive, she held me while I went through an excruciating dark night of the soul. I was so scared I was not going to come out of it. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t think straight. I had never told anyone the truth of my past as it comes with much shame, embarrassment and unspeakable pain but I knew it was time to tell someone my story… so that’s what I did. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, I had to open my heart up to someone and during that process I realised I had never done that before, it was scary! She listened to me and validated my experience. She loved me and I could feel that love even though my heart was breaking. She helped me to understand how to nurture my wounded inner child, to understand what I missed out on but also how I could make it up to that sweet little girl. My guardian angel will never know what she did for me, thanks will never be enough to express the gratitude I have for what she did for me, the love and care she showed me.
I started working with my therapist on inner child work as well and I now see the benefit of doing that. I also had to tell my story to others so I could get the help that I needed. I went to my GP and told her my story, again it was really hard to do and I kind of scared her a bit, I could see it in her eyes. She knew I was in trouble so she referred me to the mental health unit where I live. I am now under their care and on a new medication that has made a massive difference. Over the past month I have come back into the light, I can breathe again, my heart is lighter and I want to be a part of life. It’s such a relief to be alive again! I am back in touch my my higher self, my guides and my psychic abilities are heightened like never before, go figure. I am back in contact with my beautiful Grandma that passed away when I was 3 years old and she is leading me through the next stage of my life. And this guidance from the other side leads me to the next part of my long story.
Last week I went I went to an Expo with a friend that was right up my alley, psychic business, healthy lifestyle, music and all things conscious. I was really keen to have an aura photo taken so I could see where I was at compared to this time last year. When I sat down on the chair to have the photo taken I could literally feel my soul jumping around and I knew the photo was going to show something special. The man taking the photo took a while and I knew why. When it was done I got up and my friend had her photo taken for the first time. I could feel the excitement rising from my root chakra upwards. I looked over to the table wher the photos were drying and when I seen mine it gave me the lift I needed, it was amazing. After you have the photo taken there are psychics at the Booth that read the photos for you. The first thing the lady said to me was ‘aren’t you the beautful one’, I started to cry. She hugged me and told me that I was ok now, I was out of the darkness and I will never go back there again. She also told me how strong my connection is to spirit and that I not only have the white light around me but that I also have it in my heart chakra and I will be able to help many people in the future due to my experiences and the light that is shining from my heart. It gave me back my confidence and that’s exactly what I needed. The last thing she told me is that Grandma is in the light by my right ear.
So… since the weekend I have been feeling on top of the world and yesterday from the time I got up I could not only feel but I could see spirits walking around the house, I knew it was Grandma and some of my ancestors, this is not unusual so I just got on with my day as usual. I felt a man up the back of this house the day I moved in here. Last night I was lying in bed and was scratching around in my bedside table looking for some hand cream, I found it and put some on my hands while I lay there thinking about my day. When I put the hand cream back in the drawer I felt I should look at what was at the back of my tin of creams (I like hand creams lol). When I reached back I pulled out a book and thought to myself ‘what’s this’? I’d forgotten that I had an old family bible and had no recollection how it had come into my possession. I’m not a bible fan but as soon as I looked at it I knew it was significant. The first page I opened it up to is the picture at the top of this post. The bible was given to my maternal grandfather, John Smith, also known as Jack. His mother Margaret gave it to him when he was 10 years old in 1913. I have a bible that is over 100 years old! Margaret was born in County Meath, my Irish great grandma. My heart skipped a beat as I looked through the pages and I was careful as the bible is so fragile. As I turned to the front of the bible there was writing on the front page. Grandfather John had written something to my mother just weeks before he passed away in 1948, I was overwhelmed as he was the man in the back of my house! As I read his beautful written words I noticed there was a verse written under them. I could not believe it, my heart started racing and I started crying. There were words that my beloved Martha had written in her own hand just before her life took a drastic turn and her beloved husband passed away at the age of 45. I put my hand on that page and cried tears of joy, I finally have something of the grandparents that I was lied to about. I could hold something that both of them held, to touch the words they had written from their hearts almost 60 years ago.
I don’t have any photos or memories of them and only sketchy details that I have managed to find out through different ancestry sites. As I lay there I could feel them with me and Grandma was loving me, I lay there with my hand on their words for a while and I knew they were with me, I could feel them. I can now pick up that bible any time and feel them and their beautiful words. That experience has gladdened my heart so much and today I feel lifted up even more. I am so happy to be back I the world and have a new found confidence to be able to tread the path I am destined to tread. Lookout out world, the newer version of me is here and she’s reading to go. I’m back ❤️