Today I was reminded about where I was on this night just 6 short months ago. I was going through the process of my soul merge and the dark night of the soul. As if that wasn’t enough I was also in the grips of an undiagnosed mental illness.
I was lying on the floor of my shower, water running and I’d been there for I don’t know how long. I had been crying uncontrollably for hours and was working out how I was going to word my suicide note. I was going to write it to my dear friend, who a week earlier I had promised that I would not do anything silly.
I was beside myself and could see no other way. I had a voice in my head telling me to kill myself coz I was a worthless piece of shit and nobody loved me, I was alone in the world. I had no family, just a few friends. This voice had been at me for months on end. I have never felt such utter despair and the pain I was in was excruciating. I had another voice telling me to find the light, even the smallest pin prick of light and to keep my eye on that light.
I dragged myself out of the shower, still sobbing uncontrollably, wrapped myself in a towel and lay down on my bed. I was exhausted emotionally, physically and psychologically. I could feel pain in my chest, my heart hurt.
As I lay there looking at the ceiling I felt a red hot anger rise up within me, I was furious. I told spirit I was done, that I couldn’t continue this struggle anymore. I couldn’t face one more day feeling this way, that I had nothing to offer anyone, especially myself. I flipped the bird to the sky and told them ‘fuck you and the work you want me to do. I’ve tried so hard and this is what I get. Where are you when I need you? I’m done!’
Then the phone rang…
It was my friend, the one I was going to write the suicide note to. She asked me if I was ok and I completely lost my shit. I blurted our where I was at within myself and sobbed uncontrollably whilst telling her how scared I was. I knew I had frightened her but for the first time in my life I had told one person exactly what I’d been through. I lost the worry of the shame and embarrassment I had held onto for over 50 years.
She talked me down from the ledge I was on and stepped up for me. Stepped up and guided me through the next couple of days, weeks and months until I was stable again. She loved me, brought me groceries and flowers, brought treats for the boys, helped me pay the bills and she loved me. She loved me back into being, calling me every day to make sure I was ok. Nothing I can say or do will ever express my deep gratitude for what she did for me. Thank you so much, thank you 🙏
Since that time I have gone from strength to strength and am now the happiest I have ever been. What happened in my past doesn’t matter anymore. I am secure, full of creative energy and I have happiness in my heart. I am joyful and free and I have a new friendship with a soul Sista that is wonderful.
I’m alive ❤️